Ponder

My life always feels
          rushed
   and pushed
          packed
   and crammed
                   and overwhelming.

I never feel like
   I can catch up
               enough
        to check off the list
        or step back
               to evaluate
        or take some time
               to be
               to think
               to ponder
        and slow down enough
               to wander
                     and
                   wonder
                    why certain words rhyme
                        when they shouldn’t
                              and others don’t
                        when they seem like
                                  they would.

There is always
     too much to do
     too much that is required of me
              work to be done
              chores to complete
              errands to run
              people to see
       and books to read
       and too much
              in my head
                that I’m always trying
                      to figure out
                         how to get out.

And ‘tis the season
      of much
            and
          more
            and
          overdoing
                   beyond excess.

But it never stops
                 finishes
                 concludes
     even when the season goes
             or returns
             or leaves again.

Insanity

Away in a Manger
Away in a Manger

The biblical account
   of the birth of Jesus
     is horrifying!

Angels appear from nowhere
   and speak to people
   and tell them
     not to be afraid (Luke 1:26-30, Luke 2:9-10, 13-14).
Sure, no fear here.

There are several occurrences
   of dream angels
        and
      dream warnings (Matthew 1:20; Matthew 2:12, 13, 19, 22; Luke 2:28).
Not spooky at all.

There is a virgin mother (Matthew 1:23; Luke 1:31-35),
               <insert confused face>
     which is nonsensical
           and defies logic
                   and science
   and her more than boyfriend/
            not quite fiance/
            betrothed/
            pledged/
            husband (Matthew 1:18-19, Luke 2:5) –
            whatever the term for this complicated relationship
               would be in this century –
                    who is ready to bolt
                       and leave her
                         to raise this unborn mystery baby alone (Matthew 1:19).
 
There is a star
   that moves across the sky
     and then hovers over this child
                  and His family (Matthew 2:9).
Science questions again…

There is a horribly wicked king –
                  and no words awful enough to describe him –
     who plots to kill this baby
            after He is born (Matthew 2:13)
         then decrees infanticide throughout the region,
            ordering the deaths of countless baby boys
               in hopes that he gets lucky
                  and the particular boy he wants dead
                            will happen to be one of them (Matthew 2:16).
Seriously, even the vilest words
   are too trivial for him.

And there is a young family
   who flees for their safety
     in the middle of the night
        and moves to another country
            to escape from said king (Matthew 2:14-15).

The details of the birth of Jesus
   are crazy
      and terrifying
      and nothing like
               the beautiful pictures
           or the Christmas carols
           or cute ornaments
           or nativity scenes.
Yet this is how the Savior
   entered the world.
What insanity!
What a farfetched story.
No one would ever believe it
     if it weren’t true.

Freeing

Orange in Black and White
Orange in Black and White

It feels good to push myself
                 to do something
                         different
                 to grow.

Even when my drawings
                      paintings
                      photographs
                 are amateur
                      inaccurate
                      incomplete
                         or
                      look like
                         a kindergartener 
                            could have done them,
                                 it’s  f r e e i n g
                                      to allow myself
                                      to learn
                                        and be in process,
                                        and hopefully
                                               over time
                                                   I will improve.

Even if I never become
     an expert,
              the process of learning
                     is valuable
                            in itself.

Guiltless

Simple Generosity
Simple Generosity

This October
   has been a month of constant
                                obligations
                                requirements
                                expectations.
We usually look forward to October –
     a reprieve
           from summer
                  overhyped holidays
                     and
                  the everyday norm.

But this one
     was hijacked.

We might have to spend this Halloween
     hiding out
          with the lights off
             to recover
                  from everything that was stolen
                  from us.
There is still
     so much impending
          that I just want to try
                       to enjoy what is left of the fall
                                        while we can
                             before it disappears
                                                  yet again.

Thankfully,
     Halloween is a generous holiday
          that gives people what they need.

We can hand out candy to kids
            go to a party with friends
        or enjoy a break from people altogether
              because there is nothing mandatory
                     about Halloween.
It’s all about fun –
     however you define it.
And if you need rest instead,
     there is no guilt
          in allowing yourself
                      to accept it.

For so many reasons,
     Halloween is absolutely
               my favorite.

Blues

There in the blues
         in the outlines
             of the branches
                 over the water
                    and the sky,
       the shadow of them
          was there –
                  not oppressive
                  just present –
             because it was one of their favorites too.

The same view 
     from the year before
     from the same spot,
         yet a single year later
                they’re no longer here
                     to share it with.

It made me
   miss them more
       and
   love them more
       and
   picture them more,
   sad they’re not here
       and
   glad to know
       they are with Jesus
           and together again,
               with no more sadness
           and even more beautiful views
                     than this.

Manifest

California Summer
California Summer

It’s tough
   to be creative 
     in the summer
         the excessive heat
       when it drains
              energy
              focus
              life
       and the air
          is so thick
             it’s unbreathable
                  opaque.

But the desire
   to create
      remains,
      trying
         to find a way
         to manifest
                    itself
            push its way through
                the desert temps
                   and dense sky
                                     until
                                          it’s released.

Sweater

“Where’s my sweater?” Cal rummaged through his dresser drawers, pulling sweatshirts, shirts and jeans out, and then haphazardly stuffing them back in again. “The green one.”

“What?” Ronda asked from the kitchen.

“The sweater I wore to Aiden and Fiona’s Christmas party a couple years ago,” Cal called out. “Where is it?”

“It’s July,” said Ronda, appearing in the doorway, twirling a curl of chestnut hair as she grinned at him. 

“I know what month it is.” Cal pushed the drawers back into the dresser, forcing them shut as much as he could against the shirts hanging out over the edges.

“Did you try the closet?” Ronda asked, turning around and walking back out of the bedroom, her curly dark shoulder-length hair flitting along with her.

Cal headed toward the closet, where he started pushing hangers aside four or five at a time.

“Don’t forget we have that benefit tonight, for Charlotte’s school,” she said from the hallway. “A game night with that silly game that requires no skill. The one with the dice.”

Right, he thought. And he had already agreed to this damn thing. “Where they force you to get up every few minutes and mingle, but you can’t actually talk to anyone?” he yelled without turning around.

Ronda answered from down the hall, “Because people are busy counting points over the loud music and getting all worked up over a twenty-dollar Target gift card or whatever nonsense.” Her voice got closer as she continued, “Yeah, that one.” 

“Bunco,” Cal sighed, envisioning a clock spinning in front of him as his life passed, another private school fundraiser wasting not only his time but his money, and everyone else’s too. He hated these events. “Why are we going to that again?” he asked, emerging from the closet into the bedroom and peeking at his face in the mirror, rubbing his finger along his left eyebrow as he squinted at the gray hairs that were starting to appear from nowhere.

“Charlotte.” Cal turned around as Ronda answered, stepping back into the bedroom, her deep caramel eyes sweet and smiley.

“Right,” he sighed again. Charlotte. He could hear her practicing the piano in the living room, the same chords and the same notes in a row, over and over. That sweet, ornery, stubborn, lovely pigtailed six-year-old girl was his kryptonite, but he was the dad, so he couldn’t let her know that. Not yet, at least. Maybe when she got married someday. He pictured the grown-up version of that girl in a long white dress and sniffed, pulling the emotions back. Maybe after she got married, after the wedding was paid for, or the whole family would go broke.

He tried to think clearly while heading back toward the mess he’d made of the dresser. “But the sweater,” he said, the frustration of the moment returning.

“How about the garage?” asked Ronda. “The donation pile?”

“Why would it be in that pile? I love that sweater.” Cal could feel his frustration begin to rise toward anger, his knuckles getting hot as his hands formed fists at his sides.

Ronda sat on the bed and tousled her hair with her fingers, a habit he adored. His heart slowed down a bit as he unclenched his hands. “You mean the green one?” she asked.

“Yes, the green one,” said Cal.

“Have you tried the closet?”

Trying to not bite through his own lip as all his emotions started to blend, Cal took a breath and replied with his teeth clenched, “Yes, Dear. I’ve tried the closet.”

“In the back?” asked Ronda.

“Why would it be in the back?”

She got up and kissed him on the tip of his nose, smiling at him with those gorgeous eyes that could twist him into knots and melt him mushy. “It’s July.”

“July. What difference does that make? What would you tell me if we lived in the southern hemisphere?”

“Check the closet.” Ronda winked at him, then headed out of the bedroom.

The piano continued from the other end of the house, the notes going up the scale this time instead of down. Cal grumbled as he went to the closet again, reaching deep into the back, muttering, “I love that sweater. She knows I love that sweater. Why would it go missing now? Of all things.”

“Here you are, Darling,” said Ronda, reentering the room and presenting the forest green sweater out to him, smiling with her radiant lips and, of course, those sparkling eyes.

“Where did you find it?”

“Charlotte’s closet. I remembered she was playing dress-up last week. Wanted to be just like her daddy, she said.”

Cal held up the sweater and laughed.

“Why were you looking for it?” asked Ronda.

“Charlotte,” he answered, the girl’s small face with her bright brown eyes replacing all the anger and ticking clock and thoughts of money in his head. “Charlotte asked for it. She said it’s her favorite.”

Precise

Baking is complicated.

It’s too precise.

Sometimes I can get the consistency right
  and whatever I bake might taste good,
     but it seems like
       you have to be practically perfect
         for it to end up beautiful
               or even presentable.

For some reason,
  recipes always start with
     preheating the oven
       rather than doing ninety percent
         of the recipe first
           since it always takes so long
               to prepare.

And let’s be real,
  whatever I bake
     is never going to look like the photo.

I’ve always preferred cooking,
  and even then,
     I’m not all that great at it,
       but it allows for more freedom.

Sure, you can still
  screw a recipe up,
     but often you can modify it
                               pivot from the original
                               experiment
                                 and
                               play
                                 and
                               make it into
                  something else amazing,
                    almost as if
                               you intended it.

Cooking is more forgiving,
  and I could always use
     a little more of that.

Plans

Is it okay to cling to hope found in the Bible, even if the text was from so long ago and originally written to someone else?

Scripture was written at a particular time, often referencing specific events, some that had occurred already, some yet to come. It has context.

That’s all true.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.” – Jeremiah 29:11-13

“But that was then. God wasn’t speaking about us,” or so I’m told. Yet my soul cringes every time I hear, “It doesn’t mean what you think it means.” Inconceivable!

In context, God was speaking to those who had been exiled from Israel to Babylon. We don’t live in the same time period or in the same location. None of us were there.

But does that mean He only planned for the Jews, and specifically only for those who were there at that time?

Because “those truths don’t apply to us.”

But if they don’t, why are we even here?

Aren’t we supposed to read that (and 1000 other passages) and get some semblance of comfort or confirmation that He might care about us too? To believe the Creator of the world has a plan for His entire creation? To know that if we call on Him, pray to Him and seek Him with everything in us, He listens?

I sure hope He cares for modern and future Gentiles that He has adopted into His family, as well as past, future and present Jews. I hope He has plans for all of us, as various groups and as individuals.

Knowing context, I still hold to these truths of Scripture and let them pour into my soul, clinging to them because they are from Him.

Is that such a backwards theology to believe in the God who saved His people before and hope He will again, as if His promises might be bigger than what we sometimes give Him credit for?


#iwanttobelieve

Trifles

If only trifles
    like money
     and health insurance
     and cars
     and car insurance
     and rent
     and renter’s insurance
     and food
     and life insurance
     and investments 
     and bills
       upon bills
       on top of bills
         weren’t so impending
                 and constant,
             potential
             possibilities
             opportunities
                would be
                            exponential.

Imagine –
   if we didn’t
         have to be so concerned
              about our next night
                             and day
                                    every
                                    day
         or about still having to deal with
                    all these same trivial issues
                            throughout our future –
   how much we could accomplish
   what we could we do
                              achieve
                              be
       if we had the time
            to think
               dream
               work
               pursue
                    the beautiful
                    the unusual
                    the inconceivable.