(Over)thoughts | A glimpse into the chaos.

Overthoughts

Posted on September 30 2017 by J.W. Richmond

Only 26 more years to go.

That is, if it’s a strict 40-years-in-the-wilderness thing.

I’ve already been stuck in this particular, literal desert for 14, with no relief and no real chance of leaving, so maybe it’s 26-ish. I can only hope God rounds down.

A lot.

He is here somewhere. (I think.) But He’s God, so obviously He can handle the heat. For some confounded reason, He actually created it! He just hasn’t passed on the ability to adapt to or endure it to all of His people.

Every day I try to seek after Him and be who He wants me to be, and do what He wants me to do. I just wish He would ever let me know what that was.

Others tell me trite things about rudders and ships and how you can’t move something that isn’t already moving, and blah, blah, blah, often citing inertia. But if that’s the case, they might need to go back to elementary school and read more than just the CliffsNotes version of physics, because I’m pretty sure outside forces (like God, for example) can direct and move things that are already moving, or <insert simulated shock here> completely stationary – the tiniest as well as the most enormous. Which is also inertia.

I’m praying, begging and ready to be moved. Maybe if I had a freaking purpose here, I could even endure the summers that are directly from that horrible, terrifying place of complete torment – the one many Christians don’t mention directly because it could be taken as a swear word. (Gasp!) Then again, any comparison to it might diminish its perceived severity. (Or magnify the horror of it. I’m not sure.)

So even with the gentle melody of Elvis Costello playing in my head, telling me I’ll get used to it* (while I wonder how long, exactly, is a spell?), I stand with the maybe for now. I want to believe a purpose could significantly change that ability to hold up to torture and lead to perseverance.

But perhaps I have to wait for heaven for that. I’m not certain of the over-under on it. Does that mean I have to wait even longer?

Jesus, please be with me so I can be with you, no matter where I am. I’m so grateful I can trust you, and your truth doesn’t waver like my emotions and endless overthoughts.

*Elvis Costello, “This is Hell,” Warner Bros. Records Inc., 1995.

Inflections

Posted on August 31 2017 by J.W. Richmond

All the deceptions
corrections
inflections
creep
and
burrow
deeply thorough
as they cr a w l
across
beneath
around me
astounding
confounding
coursing by
forcing themselves in
like spies,
forming partial truths
and acidic lies.

I’m done
beyond
done,
hate
beyond
hate,
forced
into stuck
into pushed
into trapped –
resigned
to my fate.

And I’m all screamed out now.

Don’t mistake
my silence
for
absence,
non-violence
for
complacence.

I never asked for this.

I feel motionless
choice-less
voiceless
but I will not
acquiesce.

I am worth more than this.

Desires

Posted on July 29 2017 by J.W. Richmond

His imagination
is vast
incredible
incomprehensible.

He makes
magnificent things
and turns drab
dirty
filth
into beauty.

He knows me –
even when I don’t fully
know myself.

And He wants to give me
good things –
even when I don’t understand why
or deserve them.

His plans
are so much bigger
than anything
I could create
or realize.

He fulfills deep desires
with brilliant outcomes
that are better
than imaginable.

Maybe He will fulfill mine,
even if I’m not fully clear
on what they all are
yet.

I desperately
want to believe
He will.

Trust in the LORD and do good;
dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.
Delight yourself in the LORD
and he will give you the desires of your heart.
Commit your way to the LORD;
trust in him and he will do this:
He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn,
the justice of your cause like the noonday sun.
Be still before the LORD
and wait patiently for him…
For the LORD loves the just
and will not forsake his faithful ones.
– Psalm 37:3-7a, 28 (NIV95)

Warning

Posted on June 30 2017 by J.W. Richmond

No U-Turn

It’s coming
imminent
impending.

Each second
counts
down
  precarious
   l
       y
and
quickly.

The warning is scrawled
on the wall.

Get out!

Find the smallest opening
the tiniest crack
the slightest loophole
and never look back.

It’s time to fly
and fight
what destroys.

Regardless of how,
do what you need
to leave now.

Because if not now,
it won’t be
by choice.

Projected

Posted on June 10 2017 by J.W. Richmond

Tightrope

Sometimes I think
everyone thinks
I am in my sweet spot
lucky spot
convenient
perfect place,
while I’m lying here
dying here
maybe already dead
from the pace,
of this race
sus pended
stuck
trapped
curled up
in my disgrace
‘cause I can’t be
what’s expected
what’s projected.
I might never be
anything
anyone
quotable
notable
maybe even lovable.
But is it all subjective?
I know I am not objective.
Ev.ery.thing.
depends on perspective
and I know mine is skewed.
I only see
from my view
and I could never change me
into you.

Fish

Posted on April 29 2017 by J.W. Richmond

Googley Doodley Doo

What began
as a simple fish
became a big fail,
so it morphed into
an almost-whale,
until a bird emerged,
feathers and tail,
a disproportioned,
un
balanced
pale comparison,
yet on some scale
appears similar
to the creature
it resembles,
apart from the details.

Bookend

Posted on March 31 2017 by J.W. Richmond

Maybe by
w a s t i n g
time
trying something new
I can begin to
unlock
what’s been
blocked,
approach the character
in a different way,
not only learning to think
and perceive things
like she would,
but attempting to do
some of the things
she does,
and finally
bookend
the story.

Dismissed

Posted on February 27 2017 by J.W. Richmond

Did you never see me
at all
or did you look
past me –
dismissing everything
I vied for
strived for
and wished I could be
as simple
childish
reverie?

Maybe I was silly
to think
you ever believed
in me.

After so much time,
I’ve lost sight
of why I even try –
why you don’t
just say goodbye.

Yes, I was naïve
to think
you ever believed
in me.

Between all the tears I cry
and in between
each fine,
everything I find
is a lie.

I was foolish
to think
you ever believed
in me.

Checked

Posted on January 29 2017 by J.W. Richmond

I didn’t check off
any of my boxes
today.

I didn’t finish
any of the things
I had planned.

But my time
was spent even better
than I expected.

I checked off
hours
with a friend –
and not just
a friend,
but someone I needed
to be with today,
someone I’ve been missing,
someone I’ve known for a while
but not forever,
who still manages
to know me
in a way
others don’t,
who sees the grit
in the depth
and the crud
even in the shallows,
and never judges me
for either.

And she was exactly who
and what
I needed.

For Cambria.

Memorable

Posted on October 30 2016 by J.W. Richmond

Memories in a Bottle

One small
thin, red bottle vase
on the shelf
brings me
back
to that night
of a bonfire
in an opening
in a field.

I can smell the smoke
of the cigarettes
as the group walked
beneath the stars
toward the just-lit fire
illuminating the dark
surrounding us.

There was a boy there,
who I liked from a distance
but hardly knew.
He may have said hi.
I’m not even sure of that.
Nothing ever happened,
and I know nothing
of him now.

A night of friends
almosts
and maybes
having fun,
wasting and
spending time
together.

Just another night.

I don’t even recall
the significance
of the vase itself,
but every now and then
there is a spark
of reminiscence
when I see it
that brings me
back
to that memorable,
insignificant night.