(Over)thoughts

As I left the house on the first Monday of the new year, schools weren’t back in session yet, so I figured it would be an easier commute since there should be less traffic than usual. I exited our neighborhood and drove up to the intersection as the lefthand turn light – in the lane I was headed to – turned red.

I merged over and sat in that left lane for the entire cycle until it would be my turn.

North-south straights.
East-west turns.
East-west straights.

Then the entire cycle skipped me. No north-south turns. It started all over on north-south straights, as if I were on a bicycle, or standing in the road, or if I weren’t even there at all.

I moved forward slightly toward the crosswalk and then waited through the entire cycle. Again.

North-south straights.
East-west turns.
East-west straights.

No north-south turns.

The signal skipped over me.

Again.

The light going straight stayed green long enough that I was able to signal, change lanes, go straight through the intersection, and make a U-turn back to the same light to then turn right.

Eventually, I made it to work.

The day did not improve.

Multiple apps I attempted to use refused to cooperate. They crashed or chose not to save anything I was working on, without displaying an error or reason or solution, just like the traffic light.

I found no known error for why the apps wouldn’t work correctly and identified no clear error on my part.

Sign out.
Sign back in.
Turn off.
Turn back on.

When the printer wouldn’t connect for a coworker, I turned it off and back on again and got one small victory for the day when it suddenly decided to cooperate!

I wish I could say the day got better for me or I had some insightful revelation or my attitude changed toward life despite all the crap, but none of that happened.

Instead, I limped through the day, trying and fighting as much as I could to make any of the things work that all seemed to be working against me.

I did not finish my to-do list. It just got longer from things that were added.

When I finally left work, frustrated and defeated, I hit every red light home.

But none of the cycles skipped me. So maybe that was a win?

2024

I think my days there
               are numbered
     and it feels like
          they are
                       d
                        w
                       i
                      n
                       d
                         l
                        i
                         n
                       g
                   quickly.

I can’t identify it
     but I have this sense
                    that it’s impending.

I’m trying
          to do
     what I can
          to get        ahead of
               everything
                    crashing
                    down
                    on
                    me.

But I’m not sure
     I’m going to be
                         f  a     s      t      enough.

With so much
     coming from all sides,
          I may just end up
                         rubble.

One Year Later

Praise the Lord!

I am no longer
          stuck
     in a tumultuous
            volatile cycle
         where everything
              was so
                           unstable.

People kept telling me
     they would have quit
          if they were in my situation.

But I didn’t sense
          that’s what God wanted
     even as I pleaded
          for Him
               to get me out.

And eventually,
     He did.

He heard my cry for help
     and He rescued me.

I will be glad and rejoice in your love,
for you saw my affliction
and knew the anguish of my soul.
– Psalm 31:7

I am incredibly thankful
     to no longer be
               stuck
          in that place.

I’m grateful
     to be in a place
          where people are appreciated
          where trust is valued
          where what we do matters
                    because it’s bigger than us.

It’s all for Him
        and His glory.

It has been a time
          of replenishing
              healing
              restoration.

And I thank God
     for what He has done,
          working things together for good
                    like only He can.

Look who’s two!

Happy birthday, Emmitt,
     our adorably sweet goofball!

You are loved tons and
     we’re so grateful for you –
                             for all your antics
                                              escapades
                                              snuggles
                                                 and
                                              sillyhead moments!

He determines the number of the stars
   and calls them each by name.
– Psalm 147:4

What an incredible God He is,
     the Creator of all things –
                    seen and unseen –
          who created every star
               in the sky.

He’s such a big God
          so magnificent
     I cannot fathom Him
          or His ways.

Yet He reveals Himself
     in His creation.

He wants us
     to know Him,
               so He shows us
                         who He is
                    through what He has made.

The heavens declare the glory of God;
   the skies proclaim the work of his hands.
Day after day they pour forth speech;
   night after night they reveal knowledge.
They have no speech, they use no words;
   no sound is heard from them.
Yet their voice goes out into all the earth,
   their words to the ends of the world.
– Psalm 19:1-4

He made the sky
                   sun
                   earth
                   moon
                   sea
                   stars
             and every living creature,
                          including us.

In his hand are the depths of the earth,
   and the mountain peaks belong to him.
The sea is his, for he made it,
   and his hands formed the dry land.
– Psalm 95:4-5

No created thing
     is worthy of praise.

But God is worthy.

He made us
     cares for us
     sent His Son to die
               to save us.

When I consider your heavens,
   the work of your fingers,
the moon and the stars,
   which you have set in place,
what is mankind that you are mindful of them,
   human beings that you care for them?
– Psalm 8:3-4

How could we look up
     at the vastness
          of the sky
     see the wonders
          of the galaxy
              the design of the stars
                        and not see Him?

How could we not
     be in awe
               of who He is
          and grateful
               for what He has done?

How could we not
               worship Him
               praise Him
        and give Him
                    all the glory?

Come, let us bow down in worship,
   let us kneel before the Lord our Maker;
for he is our God
   and we are the people of his pasture,
   the flock under his care.
– Psalm 95:6-7

Deep inside the cavern,
     it is entirely black
                      full darkness
                      void of all light.
You see the same
               nothingness
     with your eyes closed
          as you do with them open.

But even a small amount of light
               i    l    l    u    m    i    n    a    t    e    s
                    immeasurable sights
                              to see
                                   and
                    awe-inspiring inspirations
                              to examine.

The fragile formations
          are unique
               intricate
               elaborate.

God is infinitely creative
                and imaginative.

He even designed
     beautiful things
          u
          n
          d
          e
          r
          ground
               for us to discover.

And He continues
     to use the elements
          to grow the stalactites
             shape the formations
                    and
             delight us
                    with His wonders
                         as we explore
                              the world He gave us.

Where can I go from your Spirit?
   Where can I flee from your presence?
If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
   if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
   if I settle on the far side of the sea,
even there your hand will guide me,
   your right hand will hold me fast.
If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
   and the light become night around me,”
even the darkness will not be dark to you;
   the night will shine like the day,
   for darkness is as light to you.
– Psalm 139:7-12 (NIV)

It wasn’t a surprise
     when my job was eliminated.
I had been preparing for it,
     as much as I could.
I had already been applying to other jobs
     for a       l    o         n               g       time,
          pleading with God
                     to get me out of there
                          and provide something else.

When talking to people during that time,
     I described it as rough.
That was true,
     but it was so
                    much
                    harder
          than just rough.

It’s been a hard year
It almost took me down
– TobyMac, “Faithfully”¹

I believe I was there
     for a reason.
I could look back
     and clearly see
          how God orchestrated everything,
                        moving all the pieces around and
                        placing me there –
                                   for a time.

But when management changed,
     the vision changed.
The company’s values
     no longer aligned with mine
               and I could not remain there.

I applied to job
                 after
                 job
          and received
                 rejection
                 after
                 rejection.

God, why am I here?
What am I doing?
Are you doing something
     I don’t see?
Are you doing anything?

When I cried out to you, Jesus,
You made a way for me
– TobyMac, “Faithfully”

In the next round of layoffs,
     half of my team was let go,
               including me.

I didn’t know
          how He would provide financially,
               but I believed He would, somehow,
     and I praised Him because
          He had heard
                    my desperate prayers.

I will be glad and rejoice in your love,
for you saw my affliction
and knew the anguish of my soul.
– Psalm 31:7 (NIV)

I started organizing our house,
            cleaning and
            tidying up.

I reached for the plant
     in the garden window in our kitchen –
               or what used to be a plant, anyway.
I was going to remove the roots,
                      clean out the planter
             and maybe plant something else,
     even though I’d never been
          very good with plants.
I hadn’t watered this one in weeks
               because I thought it was dead.

But outside of my original view,
               there was new life,
                             new growth.

It was not fully green
     because it needed water,
          yet it was trying to grow
               despite not being taken care of properly.
I cleared out the mess
          of all the dry leaves,
     watered it,
          and put it back in the window.

It was time for my own reset –
          time to start over.

I was no longer stuck
                      stagnant
                      shackled.

He set me free.

Out of my distress I called on the Lord;
the Lord answered me and set me free.
– Psalm 118:5 (ESV)

I didn’t know
     what was next.
I didn’t know
     what He was doing.

But I have seen Him working.
I’ve seen glimpses
     of Him,
          like when we got our power bill
               that said no payment was due
                    because there was a climate credit
                              at the exact time
                                   our financial situation changed.

I couldn’t have planned that.
But He did.

The not-actually-dead plant
     was growing,
          and there were fresh curled-up leaves
                    ready to make their way toward life.

Then I was approached
     about a job opportunity –
               one that would not have been on my radar
                    or appeared in any of the searches
                              I was doing.

God is moving
          and none of it has been expected.

My life doesn’t look like
     what I thought it would.
I don’t know
     how anything will play out.

Trusting God is hard
     because I don’t see
             what He sees
                       or know
             what He knows.
But He’s bigger
     than all my circumstances
                         and
            all my questions
     and I’m waiting in anticipation
                    for what He does next.

Many, LORD my God,
are the wonders you have done,
the things you planned for us.
None can compare with you;
were I to speak and tell of your deeds,
they would be too many to declare.
– Psalm 40:5 (NIV)

1 Kyle Williams, Toby McKeehan, “Faithfully,” Capitol CMG Publishing, Kobalt Music Publishing Ltd., 2022.

I wish I knew
     what God wanted
     how I could serve Him
     how I could best serve Him
          but I don’t hear God loudly
                                       boldly
                                       assuredly
               through build-a-big-boat-in-the-desert
                       or go-directly-to-Nineveh moments.

I follow breadcrumbs
            small indications
     not even signs, really,
            or clear whispers.
Sometimes it’s purely
     open doors vs. closed doors
          hoping they are open
                              or closed
                         because He’s leading.

But it’s also leaning in
          to abiding
               in Him
     when there’s no movement
                        or change
     reading the next chapter
             or the next verse
     praising Him
          in the confusion
     seeking wise counsel
     and continuing to pray
          asking Him for guidance
                    again
                    and still.

And sometimes
     there’s a subtle shift
               a nudge
          during my questioning
                   and reaching for Him
                        that points
                             just enough
                                  in one direction
                                       to the next
                                                right
                                                step.

So I’ll take
     that next right step
          and start over again
               from there
          even when I don’t understand it
          even when it may not necessarily be
                      what I want
                and while future steps
                               future direction
                               future decisions
                                        remain unknown.

At the shelter, we saw this scared little kitten with sage-green eyes and what looked like a drop of peroxide in the brown fur on her head – a head that was too small for the rest of her little body.

We brought you home on Halloween, and while we were discussing names, Jeff was eating some Reese’s Pieces, and we had your name, Reese, a.k.a. Reese’s Pieces or just Pieces.

Despite his initial annoyance, you won Sullivan over in no time, and you became lifelong best friends.

The two of you were inseparable.

You were beyond stubborn and tried to outlive all of us.

But at 19 1/2, you had done all you could.

Because of your stubbornness, there were times you were a massive pain. You wanted what you wanted, and there was no deterring you.

But there were also times you were incredibly sweet and silly.

You went nuts for your “kitty crack” and would start drooling from that catnip high.

Toward the end, one of your favorite things was a warm bed directly out of the dryer. You expected there to be one for you in every load of laundry and were disappointed that your humans couldn’t make that happen every single time.

We tried to provide one whenever possible and make you comfortable as long as we could.

Goodbye, Pieces, with the peroxide spot on your little head. Rest well.