Penance

Disdain
Disdain

He acted like
     he was above it all,
        with his slight acknowledgment
                            sometimes
              and sideways glances
                  that turned into long, squinty stares
              on the occasions he chose to
                  look in our direction,
              like we didn’t deserve
                       his effort
                       or time
                  unless it was intentionally offered
                       by him.

Bending over
     the kitchen bar,
          resting his cheek
               on the counter
          as he sat on the stool,
                   he smoldered
                       wallowed
                       sighed
                       glared
              and spoke only in vague terms
                           of her,
                  and how he would not allow himself –
                               fully refused! –
                           to be with someone
                                          anyone
                               because now
                                  he knew better.

It was pride
     mixed with arrogance
                and shame –
          possibly sadness too,
              if he were capable of that.

He was punishing himself
     for having feelings
          he didn’t want
               to have anymore
          for someone
               who didn’t reciprocate them
                     and maybe never had.

But it still seemed
     performative.
He wasn’t processing
     or quiet
          about it.
Rather, it was part of
     his persona,
          like he had to make sure
              we all knew
                 he believed
                 he deserved the penance
                 he was putting himself through
               so we would feel sorry
                    for him
               and he could respond
                    by scoffing
                         at our supposed ignorance.

Found

He needed a home
   and came across ours.

He met us in our backyard
   and camped out on the porch
       for a while.

From the beginning,
   he was friendly
       and affectionate.
He rubbed up against our legs
       and sprawled out
                   on the grass
                for all of the attentions
                      he could get from us.

We didn’t plan
    to adopt another cat –
        not yet.
The timing
   wasn’t right.

But he was persistent
                 sweet
                 loving –
        and still is.

We call him Nemo
   because he lost his family
         but he found
            another one.

He needed humans.
And when he met us,
   he trusted us
   and pursued us.

He grew on us quickly
   and we are grateful
     that he found us.
We didn’t realize
    how much
        we would need him too.

Regress

Non-Linear Growth
Non-Linear Growth

After everything
     we have all endured,
            could we not
         return
       revert
     regress
              to whatever
                 was considered
                           normal
                      before
                             and rather
                                 consider alternatives
                                             changes
                                             healthier ways of living
                                                    move      forward
                                                    learn
                                                    grow
                                                    adapt for our future
                                                      and do
                                                        at least some things
                                                                 differently?

Can we
          please
                 stop
                      trying to go
        backward?

Edges

It makes sense
   to try to develop
     certain skills
                    I lack
            or ones that are
                    underdeveloped
                put the work in
                stretch myself
                build them up.

But I think
   there are other skills
       I will never have
           things I will never be good at
                          and maybe
                I was never meant to.

At some point
   (I think) I need to accept that
       and stop wasting time
                          and energy
                  forcing myself
                      to try to be
                          something
                          someone
                               I’m not.

Where that line is
                 exactly
     I’m not entirely sure
         but I think
     I’m slowly getting better
               at identifying
                          the edges of it.

Sustenance

Thank you, God,
     for rain
     for the life it brings
     for the growth it allows
       even for the idea of it
               when it’s not present
               when it passes through too quickly
           or when there is a possibility of it
                   but it isn’t here yet.

How our dry land
                   trees
                   crops
                   plants
                   rivers
                   lakes
          all long for its sustenance
                        and nourishment!

Please, Lord,
     give us rain.

We desperately need it.

Zhenya

A brilliant Belarusian,
    Zhenya (Gina)
       taught me a lot
              about marketing
                       analytics
                       internet trends
                 and Russian culture
                           over the past year.

But her love for animals –
     particularly dogs – 
              is where her soul shines.

Her voice gets a little higher
                  her eyes brighter
                  her smile broader
          when she talks about
              those she cares for now
   and when she recalls favorites
              who are no longer here.

Her new work involves
        creating practical
                    beautiful
                    sustainable
                    designer accessories
             for her furry friends
                   who are loved
                        and spoiled(!)
                            by their families
             while helping those without homes
                   find their forever humans.

She is such a delightful person
     to be around
        and I’ll miss the fun interactions
                          learning from her
                    and the constant laughs
                                we shared.

But I’m also excited for her.

I love
     that she’s working
        to make a difference
                   in the world
     and I’m thankful
          God placed her in my life
                 even if just for a season.

Restorative

I didn’t want to move there.

As a teenager,
     it was so          far            away
                                                  from everything
                                                         everyone I knew.
It seemed         isolating.

The rest of my family
     loved it,
          but it took a long time
                 for me to see
                     what they saw.

Now I return
     and appreciate
           the space
           the quiet
           the walks
           the beauty
     and the restorative nature
           God created.

Extremes

No Them
No Them

When fighting for
     becomes       so intense,
         it comes across
             as being     against.

The strict alignment
     leads to further malignment,
         each side     clinging to pride

               deepening

         the existing divide,

     everyone
        convinced they are right
     blinded to
        what might unite.

The rhetoric
          silences
   and the silence
          screams.

There has to be
           something
     in                       between
           the spaces where

           the         pendulum         swings.

Can we learn to reach

           across        the extremes?

'There is no them
There's only us'
– U2, "Invisible"

Missing

I want to play with him, pounce on him to surprise him, but I can’t find him. I search for him everywhere, checking every room, upstairs and downstairs, but I don’t know where he is.

The woman makes deep groaning sounds that make me cringe. Then her breaths become shallow and quick. When I go to her, she scoops me up and hugs me. Her shoulders shake and her face is wet when she kisses me. Usually, she gives me so many kisses. Lately, she hugs me tightly, kisses me once and then lets me go.

I walk toward the man and hop up onto his lap. He pets me and swallows. He keeps petting me until I nip at his hand to let him know it’s enough – for now. And then I fall asleep.

When I wake up from my nap, I jump off the man’s lap. It’s time to eat.

Then it’s time to play! Surely, I will find him now. I sniff around all his usual spots – the end cushion on the couch, under the table where the humans eat, the awesome cardboard box by the door – but he isn’t in any of them. I even check both of the humans’ laps again, but he’s not there.

I stop and listen for him. He’s usually pretty noisy – talking, talking, talking – his meows light and chirpy, except when he’s getting a bath and they get much deeper and mournful. But now it’s just quiet.

It’s so strange. He has never spent this much time away from the humans. He seems to always have their attentions. I have to push my way in sometimes or try to get to one of them first. But he isn’t with either of them now.

I go to the woman again, and she picks me up and hugs me. I give her some purrs in return. She tells me how grateful they are that I’m here, but her face is wet again and she looks off into the distance when she talks.

I wish my humans would be more upbeat and playful again, like they used to be.

And I wish I knew where my buddy was. He’s missing. And it’s wrong. I pick up less and less of his scent around the house, and I don’t know why I’m the only one searching for him.

Sullivan

2005
2005

You were our favorite Sullivan and the biggest dork we’ve ever known.

2020
2020

You fit so much dork into your tiny self.

2004
2004

Over and over, you managed to exceed the amount of dork we’d known and exude even more, like it was dormant, waiting to get out.

2003
2003

You were our Sullivan, Bub, Bubs, Bugaboo, Monkey, Monks, Dork, Booger, Trouble, Little Guy, Vin, Sully, and often a combo of some sort, like Monkey Dork, Dork Face, Dork Monkey, Monkety Monks, Booger Dork or Booger Dork Face.

2020
2020

And I can’t believe you’re gone.

Everywhere I look there are traces of you, places you should be – but you’re missing from all of them. And it’s too quiet.

2015
2015

You’d watch shows and movies with us, or chill with us when we did, and you were intrigued by cat videos but never interested in watching them twice. Once you’d seen something, you were over it.

2014
2014

You were trouble – knocking over our water glasses next to the bed as you tried to drink from them. We had to use toddler sippy cups or water bottles so nothing would spill, but you still had fun knocking those over just because you could.

You would find any available string, anywhere, and when you couldn’t find any, you would make some from blankets, sheets, curtains or clothes, and then eat it. It was maddening.

We couldn’t burn candles because you were so curious you would stick your face in them and singe your whiskers.

2014
2014

We had to install child locks on our cupboards because you would open them, push stuff aside, pull stuff out all over the floor – even breakables – and curl up for a nap.

You were a talker, and it drove Jeff crazy. You’d give us a play by play, chirping along all day – that Siamese in you who wanted to tell us everything, even telling us when you were doing something wrong, getting into things you shouldn’t, calling our attention to you. You certainly used your words, even though you had difficulty enunciating.

2004
2004

You loved “helping” when I changed the sheets on the bed, racing around to all corners as the top sheet slowly fell over you like a parachute.

You also loved to “help” Jeff with house projects. With the sound of a tape measure, you would suddenly appear from wherever you were and chase it repeatedly as it zipped back into itself.

2016
2016

2008
2008

We put all your toys in a box, and you would dig through until you found the one you wanted and then pull it out to play with it. Some of your favorites were the little mice and the big stuffed mouse, which you would pick up and carry around.

2004
2004

When you slept, you never quite looked comfortable, with your head tilted back, to the side, twisted backwards, or you were showing off your squishy kitty butt.

2004
2004

2015
2015

We taught you to walk on the treadmill, and you learned pretty quickly. Once you got used to it, we couldn't keep you off of it. Whenever we would turn it on, you would come running to take your turn first. You’d take your walk, and then stop and roll off the back when you were done.

https://youtu.be/_-h5f9G7grM

You were so cute, fun and unique that you won over even the most cat-averse people. They would meet you and couldn’t stop themselves from liking you, forcing them to re-think their stance on cats.

2006
2006

You were also good with other animals, sometimes tolerating more than you should but being the peacemaker with everyone. And you and Reese were best friends.

2005
2005

2015
2015

2017
2017

Oftentimes, when I was upset or crying, you came to me and cuddled with me or nuzzled me. You seemed to know when I needed you.

Nuzzly Sullivan, in particular, was my favorite – even when you nuzzled my hat right off my head.

2004
2004

2003
2003

Since we first brought you home when you were a kitten, you would sleep on my head, and I gladly shared the space with you, even when you got bigger and took up more and more of my pillow. We gave you your own pillow, and you’d use it sometimes, but almost always, you’d somehow end up on mine again.

2003
2003

On your last morning here – a Saturday – you woke me up early, so we went downstairs and spent the time together cuddling on the couch. For a while, we both took a nap.

2004
2004

Then you woke up, and I put you on my chest, and you rested there for a long time. You looked into my eyes, inches away, while I told you memories of you:
     how we wanted to adopt you the second we met you at the shelter
     how we waited for you, just in case,
       when you were promised to someone else,
       who never picked you up, so we got to become your humans
     how thankful we were that God let you be part of our lives
     and how much I hoped we gave you a good life for as long as we could.

2003
2003

I don’t know what went on in your head, but it seemed like you were listening, like you understood at least some of it.

2020
2020

But you were also struggling because you could no longer make your body do basic things anymore, like even stand up. Oh, how you tried. But you just couldn’t make it happen.

We are grateful for the 17 years we had with you, but I wish we could have given you strength and even more time.

2005
2005

I’m so sorry, Bubs.

2020
2020

I’ve had lots of pets throughout my life, and there have been some great ones, but you will always be my favorite Sullivan.

2014
2014