18

Jeff and I
   have been friends
     for more than 20 years
   and have now been married
     for 18.

What in the world?
And what a world
   we are in now –
        unlike anything
           we have ever known
        a place
           no one
               could have anticipated.

We are so different now too
   and yet also the same
       in many ways.

We are undoubtedly
   imperfect.
We have tiffs
              squabbles
              arguments.
I expected more
      during lockdown.
I was preparing myself
   for us being more frustrated
      with each other
            than we generally have been.

But I think
   we’ve figured out
      a good groove
      and ways to give each other
                                             space
          while also
             spending more time
                      together.

We love each other
            and
       like each other
   and I think
        this time has shown
             we really are
                  a team.

He’s still
   my favorite.

As crazy
   and scary
   and unpredictable
   and bizarre
      as this year has been
               so far
         there is no one
              I would rather be stuck with
                      than my Jeff.

Blanket

The world is changing
   by the day
        the hour
           sometimes
        the minute.

Up       is no longer
     where it used to be
        because everything
            has gone                    sideways.

In the midst
   of the chaos,
     there is a respite
                a blanket
                    of calm
                  dimming the intensity
                    of the contrast
                       with the blinding force
                        and the boiling madness –
                a pocket
                    of comfort
                       within the terror
                                       despair
                                       agony
                                and anger.

Even though
   I know
      it is fleeting,
   I am grateful
      for the moment
         of peace,
      and I will savor
          the bit of relief
               for now.

Still

In the Stillness
In the Stillness

Be still.

Be
 still
  and know.

I know.

But knowing
      believing
      living that truth
    and being still
             can be tough.

Sometimes
   there is a disconnect.

He is God.
He is in control.
Absolutely.

But letting that truth
    and stillness
        s
        i
        n
        k
     into my soul
          in full trust
             and peace –
                     I’m still getting there.


He says, “Be still, and know that I am God;
    I will be exalted among the nations,
    I will be exalted in the earth.”
          – Psalm 46:10

Apocalypse

The world is so wild now,
   it’s mind-boggling
       to try
       to describe
           the crazy.

We’re living in a movie –
   probably many.

People are dying
               daily
   all across the world
     from a virus
       no one can see
               fully understand
                   or fight against.

This pandemic is incomprehensible
                        inconceivable
   with everyone social distancing
                        quarantined
                    on lockdown
                    or under martial law
                       in some places –
     terms most of us
       have never used
          in conjunction with one another
               or probably even
          in a sentence before.

People are existing
   in a panic,
     hoarding toilet paper
                  paper towels
            and bottled water.

Constant emails
   all say the same thing:
     our business is following CDC recommendations
       and adding extra precautions
                                procedures
             to handle everything, such as
                                sanitizing surfaces
                                washing our hands frequently
                 (apparently that wasn’t happening previously?)
                                providing paid-time off for employees
                                   so they don’t show up to work sick
                 (evidently that wasn’t happening before either)
                      and even taking employees’ temperatures
                         before they clock in
                             to make sure we are keeping the world
                                      as safe as possible.

The economy has tanked
      businesses have closed
      tens of millions of people
         in the US alone
            are now unemployed.
Kids are out of school
   parents have been forced
       to become homeschool teachers,
    and the disparity of class
                           and privilege
                               is quite apparent.

Yet for many,
   not much is happening
     day to day
        or
     week to week.
Lots of people
   are losing track
     of weekdays
     and weekends
         because they all blend together.

The world
   has managed
     to
        s
         l
          o
           w
     its insane pace.
It’s quieter
    less frenzied
    and the air
     is cleaner.

Many politicians are actually
   (sort of)
     working together
           for the good of humanity.

Healthcare workers
   farmers
   ranchers
   grocery store clerks
   teachers
   delivery service people
   law enforcement
   the National Guard
   food processing plants
   food banks
   and domestic violence prevention organizations
      don't get enough credit,
         yet they are all
            helping us through this.

No one else is really going
     anywhere.
Millions of people
   can’t go to work
     or have no job left
        to go to.
We have been told
   not to travel
     or visit
        with friends or family in person,
   but rather to stay at home
     and keep distancing
        from each other.

But we can still
   have food delivered
   stream almost anything we want to watch
       on our phones
                 tablets
             or TVs
   and order all the things
     from Amazon –
          never mind the minor shipping delay.

And there are
   no zombies.

It’s the strangest apocalypse
                 ever.

Dreamworld

Sometimes
  I pace
    walk stairs
    wander
       doing anything
                other than
    what I am trying
         to do.

Most nights
   I remain
     where I should be
     where I should
        eventually
            wake up,
     with the exception of
          turning
            left
                up
                  right
                up
                  right
            left
     wishing I knew
        the secret.

If I could only
   find the exact combination
         the right sequence
         the precise routine
   or knew
         the correct code –
                up
                up

             down


             down
            left
                  right
            left
                  right
                B
                A.

But for some reason
   I remain on this side
     of consciousness,
           estranged
           banished
           locked out
     of the dreamworld.

Cul-de-sac

It sounded like a hammer repeatedly hitting metal. Clang! Clang! Sprinklers, pipes of some sort, or large nails, perhaps? The sound echoed through the cul-de-sac, masking the exact direction and identification of the source.

After checking the peephole in the door, Nathaniel went to one window after the next, peeking through the slits in the blinds. As he peered out at the street, he scanned everything in his view, looking for anything out of place.

The driveway at the tan and white house across the way was empty, which was unusual for the busy family who tended to drive their large SUV and minivan to and from the house multiple times each day with various combinations of people.

No one lived in the pale yellow house to the right, so it was no surprise that everything looked still there.

The man and woman two houses over on the right were new to the neighborhood. Kate turned out to be a nurse, and Phillip was an elementary school principal in a different district. Nathaniel had heard them through the open window earlier that spring when they introduced themselves to Camarina, a harmless busybody who lived a few houses down the street.

The couple seemed sweet, kind and friendly, yet that was just the problem. Something was off. His smile? Her eyes? Or the way they canvassed the neighborhood each evening as they walked, surveying it and taking in all the details.

And Nathaniel noticed.

He noticed everything. That was the thing with the cul-de-sac. It was practically impossible not to notice. And the way the sound carried through the circle, people didn’t need to speak loudly for Nathaniel to hear. They probably all thought their conversations were private, but he was aware of the illusion so he made sure to keep quiet.

Phillip and Kate were a little too gossipy, without being straightforward about it—too interested in everyone’s personal lives without drawing too much attention to how interested they were. Nathaniel’s suspicions of them grew almost daily. He didn’t know what their agenda was, but he didn’t trust them. It’s possible the sound was coming from their backyard. But he couldn’t be sure.

The Grands lived two houses down on the left. Kids and friends of the kids who lived there frequented the house and its backyard. It was the place every kid and teenager wanted to be. Nathaniel imagined Kelli feeding their four kids and all their friends fancy organic preservative-free snacks after school and on weekends while they played video games, watched TV or hung out by the pool. Kelli’s husband Josh was an engineer of some sort, the explanation boring Nathaniel enough that the recollection of the description had been lost long ago. Regardless, the clanging sound was not originating from them.

The west wall had no windows, which meant no view of the house directly next door, unless Nathaniel went outside. But it had been four years and two months since he had left his house.

Though the hammering made him curious, it was not enough to compel him to leave. After this amount of time, he was convinced nothing would.

Returning

Returning
   to my teenage bedroom
       makes me
         want to open the window
               and crawl out on the roof,
                      lie down
               and look at the sky
                                     stars
                                     clouds
                    God created –
                       the God
                          I didn’t even really believe in,
                                yet –
               and listen to the world
                  one song at a time,
                     while contemplating life
                                            and death
                                            and everything
                                                I don’t understand
                                                     about people.
                                                     Or anything else,
                                                         really.

I’m not even sure
   I understand more now
     than I did then.

Maybe I am just willing
   to acknowledge
     that what I do know for sure
                 is I know very little.

Words

enTheLiBetwenes
enTheLiBetwenes

I can’t identify
     all the words I said.

They tumbled out quickly
                          precariously
                          clumsily
                   then crashed
                     into each other
                        and
                           f
                           e
                              l
                                l
                           to the ground
                              in  p i  e c  e     s.

I don’t know
   if I am missing phrases
                         words
                         letters
                     or parts of all of them,
                             or
   if that’s how I put them out there
       because they were jumbled
                           and incomplete
                                  before I spoke.

What I do know
   is they don’t add up,
     and I can’t put them together correctly
                 or put them back
                         where they came from.

Solace

I’ll never get tired
     of the ocean.

Even when the weather
     isn’t “perfect”
        for everyone’s preferences,
     and circumstances
        are difficult
             frustrating
             overwhelming
     and life is a mess,
               there is solace
                   and peace
                      with the ocean.

The waves
     are mesmerizing.
I could listen to them
              forever.
They are the sound
     of my soul
        being refueled
                 refreshed.

There seems to be
     a proximity
        to God
           that I don’t experience
              in the same way
              anywhere else.

And I am grateful
     for any time I get
              to marvel
                 at Him
                 and His creation.

House

I woke up to see the bedroom door opening. It was hazy, entering back from the dream world. The room lit up dimly from the hall nightlight reflecting off the paint, then got darker again as the door was pushed back, almost closed but with a small slit.

He pulled back the comforter and slid under the covers next to me, like every other night.

Except it wasn’t. The movement was different. He was quieter than usual, not smoothing the sheets as he got in bed. And his breathing was off.

It wasn’t my husband.

Colin was out of town on a business trip, and there was no way he could have flown back across the country that quickly.

My heart raced, but I didn’t want to alert whoever it was that I knew he wasn’t who he was making himself out to be. I managed to lie there calmly, silently.

The breathing next to me evened, and I made my way out of bed as unnoticeably as possible.

Exiting through the door, I walked down the hall toward the stairs and tried not to put my full weight on the steps as I went down, so as to not let any of them creak or crack.

A bluish light peeked through the open blinds to the outside. Maybe it was a full moon. But we never left the blinds open at night. Had the man in my bed opened them before coming upstairs? How had he gotten in the house? Everything was locked and the alarm was on. Nothing made sense. The fear was screaming at me in everything I saw, yet it was also paralyzing. I couldn’t think clearly.

The windows were a little off. They were close, but they were larger than they should be. There was a porch out front, with a swing and chairs. But we didn’t have a porch. There were two windows on the south side of the house, but that was just a wall that had no windows. The dining room was larger than ours and the table was oblong, not rectangular.

Was this even our house? Did I somehow end up in someone else’s? And how would I get away from here so I would be safe?

A hand touched my shoulder from behind, and I jumped. So this is how I die.

My eyes open to a dark room. Our room. Our house. With the right dimensions and the right lighting. And I am alone. My heart is beating through my chest and I kick off the sheets to break away from the sweat.

It is real now. Isn’t it?