(Re)introduction

Posted on September 15 2013 by J.W. Richmond

For those who have
   been part of the mess
                         journey so far,
          this may not be entirely new,
                                but it is new
                                      in a sort of shiny
                                            new-ish way.

You might recognize
   something familiar
     about it,
            but the territory
                      terrain
                      topography
                      typography
                           is
                           definitely
                           different.

If you are new to it all,
              welcome
     to the process and
        the controlled chaos.

It’s where anticipation
       and expectations
           don’t always collide.
 

Intro the puppet girl as she tosses her meaningless junk into revolving tunnels. You can plug the nuclear coordinates in to find her, but the rigged cursor will edit her antonyms to pulp.


Discover
     or
   rediscover
         (Over)thoughts.

Read it or don’t.
Like it or don’t.
Laugh or don’t.

It’s okay.
(I think.)

Beneficial

Posted on September 13 2013 by J.W. Richmond

I don’t know
     if it will be beneficial
                     helpful
                     useful
                         to anyone,
         but (I think)
               maybe
                   it’s time to let go.

Could He use me
                   more?
Could He use more
                   of me?

I have no idea
     what He could do
                 might do or
                 will do
                    through me,
     but (I think) I need
                              to just get out of the way
               and let Him do it.

I don’t even know for sure
          if it is a gift, exactly.
     But it is something
                        I can do
                           and enjoy
                                doing.
     So maybe defining it
          doesn’t actually matter –
                    even if that drives me
                                crazy.

If it is an actual ability, then
    He must have given it to me (Psalm 139:13),
           even if it may not be
                  officially categorized
                           as spiritual (Romans 12:6-8, 1 Corinthians 12:4-11).

It had to come from somewhere
                           something
                           someone.

My friend asked
               what I was afraid of
                    specifically.

I didn’t – and I don’t –
     have an actual answer
               for that question,
           at least not one
                that is purely logical,
           with evidence
                 to back up
            my feelings.

But I love her
     for asking
               and
         challenging me on it,
       because (I think)
             even though she didn’t say it
                        out loud,
                               she said it
                        implicitly:
           At some point, I need to just
                                            jump
                                            in.

If He has given me something
     and I don’t use it,
         or only use it
                     limitedly,
     that may be worse
        than anything I fear
           about using it (Luke 19:13-26).

Maybe
       somehow
     He not only can use it,
                      but multiply it (Matthew 16:9-10)
                                       if
                      I am willing to put it out there,
                                       risk it
                                and invest it
                                       in Him.

Here

Posted on September 7 2013 by J.W. Richmond

I hate watching you
   go through this,
         not able to fix it
             and
         not able to punch him
                      for putting you
                             here.

I have been thinking of you
                 praying for you
                      and
                 praying for him.

It’s just hard
   because it hurts
        to think of
           you and him
                and
           you without him.

Such a horrible excuse
   not to stay in touch
      so well with you,
           since I’m not you
                and
           I really have no idea
              how it feels
                   to be in your place.

Sometimes
   it seems like
      I have pushed
         too much
              to be involved
              to stay connected,
         so I pull back –
            maybe too far.

And I wonder
   if you feel like
      I’ve even been there
           for you
           at all.

Thursday

Posted on August 29 2013 by J.W. Richmond

The meeting was Thursday.
      So I cut out
           everything else I could
                  in between
                      to completely
                             f
                             o
                             c
                             u
                             s.

Yes,
   I imposed the deadline on myself
                      and
        maybe it was sort of subjective.
   But the final dates for the project
        are approaching quickly
             and so much more
                  needs to happen
                            before then.

If I don’t set a solid deadline,
   I can keep talking myself
        out of it (again) because
              I want everything
                 to be perfect.
              It needs to be right
                                 exact and
              I want to be able to present my part
                          as done
                             set
                             printable
                             finished.

I know
   that’s sort of unrealistic
        as well as
           not entirely logical, but
                     perfect
                     is the ideal.

After meticulous preparation
     and refining the details
              over
              and
              over
              (again),
          I finally
            fell asleep.

Then in the middle of the night,
   I woke up with a song in my head
      I hadn’t heard in months,
           with the chorus and title,
                “Perfect by Thursday.”*

Even in my groggy
                 bleary
                 sleepy state,
                        I got it.

Touche.

I smiled,
 looked up,
 laughed,
 and thought,
       “Very funny, God.
       You really do have a good sense of humor.” 

He also had a point.
   I mean, He’s God, so sure.
        But I actually
              got
              it.
        It was not going to be perfect.
           Not yet at least,
              and definitely
                 not by Thursday.

It wasn’t all up to me
        or my timing.
He is ultimately in charge
        of it all.

<Idiot smack in the forehead.>

It still isn't finished.
It’s not 100%.
But the work
   has been worth it,
        and it is a lot closer.

And I guess
   as far as the big picture goes,
        it is only Thursday.

 

*"Perfect by Thursday" by Kendall Payne, ©1999

(Un)edited

Posted on August 24 2013 by J.W. Richmond

I finish the workday of editing
          exhausted,
               but
          creatively energized,
               and needing an outlet
                    for all the ideas
                                  thoughts
                                      and
                                  inspiration.

So I start to free write
     until actual content
          materializes
                    from the mess,
               and with some pieces
                    pulled in
                         from the day before,
                    it begins to turn into
                              some thing
                    that could actually end up being
                              something.

Then it gets too late
          to finish,
     bedtime demands my attention,
     morning arrives too soon
          with new projects
               for a new day,
                    and all the pieces remain
                              unedited.

This

Posted on August 17 2013 by J.W. Richmond

It’s a coward’s way
   of rejection, like
       the boy who breaks up with you
           by ignoring you and never telling you
                    he already moved on
                           or
       the company that can’t bother
               to hit send on a template email that says
                         sorry, better luck next time
                                   or
                         you have no future
                               in whatever your this is.

Truth is hard.
Silence is worse.

I wish I could
        not care.
But I can’t
        not.

Jackhammer

Posted on August 10 2013 by J.W. Richmond

Fi-nal-ly.

The jackhammer
          stopped.

After 7 1/2 hours
   of it P
         O
         U
         N
         D
         I
         N
         G
   the asphalt
     outside our window,
               I can hear
                  the quiet.

It sounds like still,
                  calm breathing.

The throbbing inside my head
   is starting to dull.
The reverberation
   is lessening.

The loud quiet
                 pushed through –
          once it was actually allowed to, of course –
     until it permeated everything
        and became
           the only thing here.

I tend to fill the small silences
   I do have
         with music
            or words
                conversations
            or movies
               out of enjoyment
                       preference
                       routine
                       familiarity
                          or
                       [insert DSM* diagnosis here].

Now
   I am thankful
          grateful
      to just listen
              to the high decibel
                   stillness
         because it won’t be long
            until the tick-tocking clock
                          finds its way in
                   the dog across the street
                          barks over it
                   the high school marching band
                          drums its way
                             into every brain cell
          and I again forget
               what the quiet sounds like.

 

*Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders

Herring

Posted on August 3 2013 by J.W. Richmond

I am beginning
   to really like this character,
                     this person
                         she’s becoming,
                              with her quirks
                                    and oddities
                                    and flaws
                                    and mannerisms
                                    and thought bubbles
                                       intermingling with
                                          conversations.

I just wish
   she could            go somewhere
      instead of tagging along
         on a contrived journey.

Once-in-a-while I think
   I might be able to do it.
      The story is fun
                and intriguing (I think)
                and there is movement,
         but I can’t get the pieces
                      to fit
            and there are too    many    spaces
                      between plot points,
                                  interactions
                                  and other characters,
                so I can’t get anything
                      to actually work.

It makes me wonder
      if nothing is even there.
   Maybe I'm overthinking it
      and she's only
               a red herring.

Opposition

Posted on July 31 2013 by J.W. Richmond

Prepare
     for opposition.

Expect
      antagonizing remarks
      adamant disapproval
      severe hostility
         at something you may or
                                  may never
                                     have meant,
                                         or even said.

Big or small,
  harsh or constructive,
              criticism will come.

No one
   is liked
          by everyone.

It will be difficult.
You won’t like it.

You may not agree
   with how your words are taken
                  or
   with the replies you receive.

You might feel defensive
                  or angry.
   But you will need
                     to
                     slow
                     down,
                     get used to it,
                     even accept it – for now.

Take the time to
             rest
             pause
                  first
                     before responding –
                              if at all.

Your part
   is important,
      but realize
              there is something much larger at work
                          than just you.
You are not
   insignificant.
      But it is not
               all
            up to you.

Trust
   that you are here
                  for a reason
      even if you are uncomfortable
           or don’t feel equipped
                  to do this.

It is never easy
      to speak
      or accept
               truth,
                  even when it is spoken
                             in love.

But truth and love
   in their original form
           were never meant to be separate.
                             They are one.

And the truth
            needs
            to be told.
                    By you.

Prosaic

Posted on July 26 2013 by J.W. Richmond

Lately I have been
   running on fumes
   grasping at straws
   on an emotional rollercoaster
   in survival mode
      and
   not firing on all cylinders.

Maybe I’m just wiped.
Maybe I bit off
   more than I could chew.

As luck would have it,
   I find myself
      in a world where everything is a cliche
                        and anything goes
                            as far as the eye can see
           because I have no brainpower left
              to think of anything interesting
                                          original or
                                          non-prosaic.

I’m all bent out of shape
   at the end of my rope and
      I need to abandon ship
                  change my tune
                       and
                  just call it a day
            before history
                     repeats
                     itself.

What it boils down to
   is it’s back to square one
                 to the drawing board.
It’s time to cross out all the lines
        and start from scratch.

But I still refuse
   to do it all by the book.