Apart

Posted on December 14 2013 by J.W. Richmond

You make me wonder
what is wrong with me,
why I can’t be the me
you want me to be,
and you can no longer find
anything right in me.

I still believe
you retain the you in you
even though you are now
the you you grew into.

Despite your claims,
I have changed too.
I’ve grown and progressed
in ways you never knew.
But I don’t think
I will ever be
the me you seem
to expect from me.

I’m not sure
I could ever understand
this flippant, pale
version of you,
this hardened you
you’re trying to be
so you can pull away
and feel free.
But you keep reminding me
I never knew you
apart from me.

I wonder
what’s so right in you
if you really can believe
your desires supersede
every little thing you do.

And I wonder
what’s so wrong with you
that you no longer
even try to see
the me deep down inside of me
or remember the you
you used to be,
who now makes sure
no one ever sees
the you everyone cared for,
loved and knew.

Your words are icy
and your interactions few,
forcing the remains of us
apart from you,
pushing us even further askew,
and creating separation
from the me in you.

Snapped

Posted on November 30 2013 by J.W. Richmond

It is purely
   a curiosity
   a blurry inkling
     of a daydream
        from words that may have only
             been flippantly spoken.

Nothing may ever happen.
Nothing may ever amount to anything.

I’m not even sure
   if I would want it
        or be good at it.

But if
   the opportunity were there,
     wouldn’t it at least
          be worth looking into?

If the prospect existed,
     would it
     could it
        drastically change things?

Would the
           possibility pros
      outweigh the
           logistical cons
   of what I might have to give up?

Though intriguing,
               I may be getting ahead
     of myself.

But the curiosity
   has a strength
     that is not easily snapped
                 or even bent.

Ignorant

Posted on November 23 2013 by J.W. Richmond

I’m admittedly
   ignorant.

Not by choice.
Probably mostly
   by way of
     proximity.
       (I think.)

Whatever the reason,
  that’s not the me
        I want to be.

I think I tend to innately see
   more similarities
     than differences,
        so I relate to you
              on that level,
           and I don’t tend to think
              about what I don’t know
                   of you.

But there is more to you
   than our commonalities.

I need
   to be aware of
      realize
      acknowledge
          the differences too,
               because they fill out
                  the bigger picture of you.

And I want
   to learn more
      discover more
      connect more
      engage more
         so I can fully know
                            understand
                                 and
                            appreciate
                                 you
                        for the whole you
                          that you were made to be.

Granted

Posted on November 16 2013 by J.W. Richmond

Asking for what I need
  seems selfish.

Needing something
   that is just
      for me
   outside of
        what is generally expected
                              or assumed
           from everyone else
              seems like special treatment
                 that I don’t deserve
                    over anyone else.

I hate needing something different,
   but I can’t just force myself
        to not need it.

I was prepared
   with bullet points
          specifics
          options
          alternatives
             and
          possible responses
             to potential issues.
I was even prepared
   with backup
        for a next conversation
          if this one didn’t go so well.

Looking for a good opportunity,
   I waited,
     watching.
When I saw my chance,
   I forced myself to restart the conversation
               again
        and it was received
           openly and
           graciously.
I didn’t have to start
   back at the beginning.
I didn’t have to defend myself
                   or try to hold my ground.

In the end,
   more was granted
           than I even asked for.

Things are not only resolved
                      now,
               they are resolved
                      long-term.

I was suddenly
   out of the holding pattern
        that kept me from
           moving past this,
   and I let out a huge breath
        that I have probably been
                  holding in
           for at least the last year.

I left grateful,
  and with a greater respect,
        and I am glad that I can finally
           mark this conversation off
                     as completed.

Buglike

Posted on November 9 2013 by J.W. Richmond

The accusation was blatant
                      and directed,
            and immediately,
                 I was eight years old again.

A teacher was yelling at me
   and I was 90-95% sure
      I didn’t do anything wrong,
   but his accusation was so
           intense
      that the guilt
         seeped into me
            from every side anyway,
   and I started to wonder
      whether I may have actually done
         what he claimed I did.

I went wide-eyed,
   as if on stage
      with no lines memorized and
             no words coming out of my mouth,
   and I started questioning everything –
                 my recollection
                 my worthiness
                 my character.

Then I got angry
   at being accused of something
        I didn’t actually do wrong.
Then I questioned everything
                  again,
        wondering what I could have missed.
   What if I really did screw up somehow?

Or what if,
   after all this,
      I really didn’t do anything wrong,
   and ultimately
      that still didn’t matter?
What if I would be
   assumed wrong
             or defiant
             or passive
             or whatever the conclusion was,
                even though none of it was even true?

The panic
      anxiety
      anger
        and
      confusion
           were all bad.
But feeling
      devalued
           was far worse.

I felt small,
       buglike,
          hunched next to the ground
             with my neck craned,
                  looking up into the sun,
                  waiting for impending authority
                        to smash me
                              into non-existence.

Respite

Posted on October 31 2013 by J.W. Richmond

Take a deep breath
          before
       the busyness
            craziness
            obligations
                 start to take you over.

Breathe in
     the clean
          sweet
          crisp air
             and
          experience the short
                                cool respite
                                    from the thick heat
                                         before the cold begins.

Listen to the children’s laughter
                         their excitement
                         the silly amusement
                                disguised as quick
                                                  comical screams
                                                        of hilarity.

Smile.
Have a bite – or two – 
            of candy,
                and just
                      take the evening in.

Take the refreshment
           and let yourself
                have fun
           without feeling guilty
                                     or
                                 embarrassed,
                                 compelled
                                     or
                                 forced,
                                     or
                                 like you should be
                                     doing something else
                                             productive.

Simplicity
     offers you
        much more than it requires
                        in return.

Allow the time
     to be redemptive
                  and
             restorative
                  and
             accept the small gifts
                          you have been given.

 

Jeff's: Skull and Crossbones. Mine: Alien.
Jeff's: Skull and Crossbones. Mine: Alien.

Sink

Posted on October 25 2013 by J.W. Richmond

I dove
      into some big things recently
    and I’m getting ready
      to do more (I think)
    but I also need
      to try
      to let the things I am doing
             s
             i
             n
             k
       in so they can
                s t a b i l i z e.

I don’t want
      to get to the point
             where I feel the need
      to pull back
         yank on it
         push       against anything.

And I don’t think I’m there (yet).
   I just need to make sure
     I am doing what I can
        to not get there
               again.

Circumstances

Posted on October 19 2013 by J.W. Richmond

If circumstances alone
      determine my feelings
                    my reactions,
   I am doomed
      to repeat my stupidity
                    my idiocy
                    my selfishness.

                    Again.

Regardless of how temporary
   those circumstances are
               or not,
           they are real.

They just aren’t
           the full reality.

I would like to believe
   that I cling to something
                       someone
                          bigger
                          higher
                          more powerful
                             than my whatevers.
And I do –
     intermittently.
But not
     consistently.

The place
      time
      situation
        I’m in
           at any given moment
                     R O A R S
                 in a huge
                       tall
                       sometimes terrifying
                       grizzly bear way,
                 and I panic
                         freeze
                         eyes dilated
                            in relation
                            to the fear
                               of the ten-thousand potential
                                                          unknown
                                                          uncontrollable outcomes.

He is bigger than all of them,
                          every little thing
                          every one.

I believe that.

I believe in Him
  and run to Him.
I just don’t know
     how to allow the full reality
                         the full truth
                             to sink in
              despite what I am experiencing
                      at the time.

And I don’t know
     how to let Him do it
          either.

Descending

Posted on October 12 2013 by J.W. Richmond

Breathe in this bitter air
     that permeates, dense and thick,
   scratching impenetrable scars,
            d
             e
              s
               c
                e
                 n
                  d
                   i
                    n
                     g
     into melting dark –
       the pungent taste
          an echoing reminder 
             of the blatant thief, 
                       pointing fingers
                          at everything
                                I never wanted to be.

Releasing my fisted grip,
  the honey mist
     lightly fogs my ears
           dulling the noise,
           dampening the screaming day
                   that yet refuses
                      to go away.

Caramel sweet waters
     slowly enter my mouth
        behind my tongue,
             soft,
             cool and
             soothing,
        crisp lucidity blurring
           into gentle calm,
        bright colors merging
           into a clean, steady haze
                of soft, dark cloudy greys.

Tickling the inside of my nose,
   the extract silently soaks itself
     in the welcoming dreams,
          letting go
               of all constraints
                  while f
                          a
                          l
                          l
                          i
                          n
                          g
                   into reveries.

Mini

Posted on October 4 2013 by J.W. Richmond

They said
   it was mini.

But that does not equate
          to insignificant.

Mini
   suggests something
       way too minuscule
            for what is
               actual.

It may not be dire
                    final
                    the end
                        this time.

People surpass
   both minis
    and bigs –
    and those without
        any descriptor.

But for the person
   going through it
        and anyone going through it
             with them,
        it is never
           small enough
                 to be labeled
                       mini.