(Over)thoughts

I don’t know
     if He will deliver me
           from this
     if He will provide
          a way out
          a way      th  r  o   u     g      h.

But I believe
          He can.

Even though I don’t have
     any answers
               yet
     or a clear direction
               yet
     and I have no idea
        what will happen
               yet –
     in this neverending
          desolate
          defeating
          demanding
               yearslong “season,”
                         I’m praising Him
                                   anyway.

Not that
     I haven’t been
          doing that all along
               in some way,
     but I am being
          more intentional
          more active
          more deliberate –
               practicing it
                    even on days
                         I don’t fully feel it.

I’m renewing
          my mind
      developing
          a different way of thinking
               turning it into action
          and letting Him lead me
               in this drought-stricken
                         desert place.

He’s bigger
          than all of this.

He’s capable
      powerful
      almighty
         and
      worthy of praise.

He’s all-knowing of
     the past
          present
          future
     the already
     and not yet.

I have no idea
     what He’s doing
          or if
     I will know
          in the near future
                or ever,
     but I believe
          He’s doing something
               and I am giving Him praise
                              and all the glory
                     during the difficulty
                     in the messy middle
                     in the impossible
                                and regardless of
                                          the outcome.

This looks impossible
But you’re the God of impossible…
I need a miracle
And you’re the God of miracles…
I know my God can do it
So, I’m gonna worship through it
Before I see my breakthrough
I’m gonna choose to praise you…
In the middle of my no way out
In the middle of my don’t know how…
I’m gonna praise you
Oh God, I praise you!
– Tasha Layton

_{Tasha Layton feat. Chris Brown, “Worship Through It,” BEC Recordings, 2024.}

Sometimes
     they are
           t
            w
              i
            s
           t
             y
     wrapped around each other
             intertwined
                    spaghetti-like.

Sometimes they are more like
                        m o  v   i    n      g    clouds
          shape-shift  i  n g
                         visible
                   but intangible.
             
Or like stars,
         they are
               seemingly       f          a              r          apart
          from each other –
               some bright
                    against the sky
               some dim
                       tough to see,
                                        as if they are barely there.

The vast space between them
               isn’t empty;
                     it’s busy
                          dense
                          entirely full.

But I cannot always access
     what I search for
     what I cannot see
                      or           reach
                   as if they are
            in another dimension
                                    or merely
                                        gone
                                    never meant to be
                                        found again.

The Superglue Emergency Kit

A PSA for anyone else who gets
                    stuck
             in this situation
             in the future:

Some advice came in SUPER handy recently
     when I – I mean, my friend –
          had a huge
                    messy mishap
               with a new bottle
                    of apparently extra,
                                        extra-strong superglue
                          with an opening
                                that was much   w   i     d    e    r
                                        than normal.

When attempting to glue
     some broken puzzle pieces
                     back together,
               it got all over my her hands.

While – unsuccessfully – trying
     to clean everything up,
               my her fingers got stuck together.
                         Solidly.
Tugs
        prying
                         pulling
                              and maneuvering
     were initially futile,
               but after many long,
                                       frustrating minutes,
                                                      they separated.

After finally ripping them apart,
     I – I mean, she –
          tried to Google
                    how to remove super glue from skin
               but couldn't open my her phone right away
                         because my her fingerprints
                              were covered
                                   solidly
                                   in
                                   glue.

Another phone-opening method worked, thankfully,
     and Google came to the rescue
               with some suggestions.

Eventually, after a combination
     of tons of warm water
         many different types and brands of soap
               (that did absolutely nothing),
         a hard, dry Scrub Daddy sponge,
         lots of acetone nail polish remover,
         a slathering of lotion
         some Vaseline,
         a nail file,
              and bouts of uncontrollable laughter
                         at the ridiculousness of it all,
                    the glue – finally – relented
                         and peeled off.
                              (Mostly.)

It’s entirely unclear
          what the objective is
          what success looks like
      or what the questions even are
              because answers
                   to previous questions
                        are
                             u
                                  n
                               s
                                  t
                                     a
                                 b
                                l
                                  e
                 and the questions themselves
                          change
                               in t    e  r      mit  ten  t     ly.

It feels like
     I’m starting

               und
                        er
                           wa
                                     ter

   with no air
          no energy
              trying desperately to
                                              surface
                            so I can finally
                                start solidly on level ground.

But even if I could
          reach the surface
             and
          take a breath,
                      I’d still be
                                   lost. 

No one
       knows what the goal is             
       understands what to do
       knows how to replicate anything
                  or
       can explain why we’re doing
               what we’re doing.

If no one knows –
     even those leading –
          how can I know
                what I’m supposed to be
                                 looking for
                            much less
                                 how to find it
                                        somewhere?

We drove to Copperopolis
     because we wanted to take a drive
          somewhere we’d never been.

I saw the name Copperopolis
     on a map
          and said we should go there
               because it’s fun to say Copperopolis.

So we drove
     to Copperopolis
               under beautiful clouds
                        unexpected heavy rain
                  and periods of sunshine.

We explored a new area
     of the Earth
          we had never seen.

We walked around the town square
     of Copperopolis
          that looked like a combination of
                       Stars Hollow from Gilmore Girls 
                 and Hill Valley from Back to the Future –
                           minus the clock tower.

After lunch at Griff’s –
     as in Biff’s grandson –
          we drove back home
              on other roads
                        we had never driven
                 adventuring
                 exploring
          and enjoying time
                      with each other.

It’s helpful
     enlightening
     inspiring
              to switch      views

                  change
                         p
                         e
                         r
                         s
                         p
                         e
                         c
                         t
                         i
                         v
                         e
                         s
         to see things
                              differently.

Whether it’s the angle
                        viewpoint
                        time of day
                        season
                        light
                    or lack of light
     stepping back
                       to see a    w  i  d  e  r    shot
              rather than a myopic focus

                                                       or zooming in
                             to see the particulars
                                           details
                                           minutiae,

                 every vantage point
                        brings knowledge
                                       and
                             an understanding
                                  that a previous      perspective
                                                    did not.