Refocus

Posted on December 3 2011 by J.W. Richmond

It is barely December, but I’ve already been kind of a Scrooge this year.

Not because I don’t like Christmas
                              or family
                              or [fill-in-the-blank].

I just don’t feel it.

I’m ready for January to come so all of this will be over.

I think it’s because I feel like so much of it has been ruined.

The enjoyment I used to have this time of year has been replaced
                                 with obligations
                  from work and family and friends and
                  expected gifts that we must buy and
                  required – neverending – events on the calendar
                       that keep appearing as if from nowhere.

When am I allowed to say no?
Where is that option?

I still don’t have the answer.

Today I started decorating. Mostly habit. And maybe a smidgen of hope that it would help. Behavior modification, I know. Not a permanent solution.

I didn’t get very far.

My Achiever* – the part of me that just needs to get things done – was screaming at me to finish.

But my Persister* – the part of me that determines value – told me to stop.

For now.

Leave the boxes in the living room.
Leave things unfinished.
     For now.
Sit back. Refocus.

Regardless of the obligations
                             in front of me,
                                around me,
                                enveloping me,
                                     I need to refocus
                                          and reflect
                                               on the whole point of Christmas.

Even if the rest of December is packed with junk and people around me who pack my calendar with junk, and some good stuff here and there, there is one real reason why we celebrate.

Whether I feel it or not.

Because I am not the point.

He is.

 

 

*Your Unique Design: Originally Developed by Taibi Kahler; Adapted by Dr. Bob Maris and Dr. Jerry Richardson. Achiever: Responsible, logical, organized. Persister: Dedicated, observant, conscientious.

Ice

Posted on November 29 2011 by J.W. Richmond

I could crack the air in half
     if I could grab hold of it –
          a smooth line at the break,
          each piece a seamless fit.
The ice on the hard ground
     used to be a softer snow,
          but now it’s bitter, angry,
               absent of its white, original glow.
The rage expands in the black
     spreading across everything each night –
          grass, rocks, dirt and pavement –
     waiting for its prey in an unfair fight.
A sliver moon peeks through the thick, grey fog
     as the car slowly approaches the bend in the street –
          the brakes illusory as if painted.
It starts to spin where the tires and shiny black meet.
Sharp rocks to the left,
     a steep cliff into the abyss on the right,
          the front becomes the reverse.
All they see is darkness illuminated in their lights.
Screams break the murky quiet
     as the first tire catches the edge
     and the car grips the wind
          until plastic and metal combine in permanent marriage.
Inklings of light break through the clouds.
The ice starts to melt as it catches sight of the sun.
Streaks shine down on the street and twisted metal below.
The day has started – but the ice has won.

Proud*

Posted on November 24 2011 by J.W. Richmond

“Did you see that, Daddy?
See what I did?
Are you proud of me?”

She looks up at him as she says it, hoping for some response from him. Preferably a positive one. She watches him – longingly – and waits.

One-Mississippi. Two-Mississippi. Three-Mississippi.

She practically trips as he drags her around the corner into another aisle because she is still looking up at him as they walk.

Depending on his response, this is a question she could keep asking for years. A question she may ask to everyone she comes into contact with.

Especially any boy she dates
                             or almost-dates
                             or eventually marries.

“Of course,” he says, without looking down at her.

Finally.

Succinct.
Non-specific.
Generic.
Late.
And prodded.

She bites her lip and looks down at the floor.

Even at age six, she isn’t sure she can trust the answer. The words he says don’t match the rest of his response.

And she notices.

But she doesn’t dwell on it. She immediately starts thinking of other things she can do to win him over and make him proud of her.

She just needs to hear him say it – for real. She just has to find something she can do that will be impressive enough for him. Big enough for him.

She can’t wait to hear him say how proud he is of her.

There has to be something she can do.

 

*Fiction.

Yogurt*

Posted on November 22 2011 by J.W. Richmond

She waits.

What else can she do?

Her husband grabs the soft, espresso-colored blanket from the back of the couch and spreads it out over her.

Inside, he’s terrified, but also strong. The strength isn’t false – or entirely for her. It comes from somewhere he isn’t even fully aware of.

The dog barks its little bark and jumps up on the blanket to curl up with her. She smiles a small smile, because she’s grateful for the distraction and the allowance to focus on something else. Even the constant licking doesn’t bother her tonight.

They had so many plans and so many dates set on the calendar. Now there are missed appointments, missed workdays, missed friends and big question marks. Thanksgiving is this week. A big family event will be hard for them to participate in, and that’s not what they had expected. Her birthday is next week and they aren’t sure how to celebrate that either.

She has been forced to slow down from her normally active life, her normal schedule and her normal way of doing everyday things. She has never liked to ask for anything – especially for help. She’s so used to doing things herself and making everything fit into the allotted time. And she is used to doing everything well.

He asks her if he can get her anything, and she gives him that same look she has given him for years, as she looks into his brown eyes while slightly biting her lip with that half smile. It hadn’t taken him long to figure out exactly what that meant. By the second time she gave it to him, he knew it meant frozen yogurt – the Nilla Wafer kind with chocolate chips on top.

He kisses her forehead as he brushes her blonde hair out of her face, holds her cheeks in his hands and looks into her gentle eyes. She puts her hands on his and they both inhale together.

The dog’s nose is wet as it rubs against their hands, trying to join in and be part of the interaction. It tickles her. She chuckles and lets go to pet the dog so it will stop.

She says goodbye and he tells her he loves her. She thanks him in advance for the yogurt, and he hands her the remote on his way out, just in case she feels like flipping through the channels while he is gone.

He grabs his keys, unlocks the door and heads out to the garage. He looks back one more time, tilts his head slightly to the left and nods his head a little as he looks at her.

She takes a deep breath and puts her hand over her heart as she watches him leave.

This night is just like the night before and the night before that.

He has been faithful and kind to her.

They both want to meet their little girl so badly, but it’s not that time yet. It’s just too early. All they really want right now is for their little girl to be healthy.

It hasn’t been the roughest pregnancy, but it certainly hasn’t been the easiest. They have had enough scares for their girl already and they don’t need any more.

She cups her hand across her belly through the blanket, and prays a quick prayer for protection and safety.

And they wait – patiently – for their little one to make her first appearance.
 

For Meghan, Matt and Ava.

 

*Fiction

Sure

Posted on November 19 2011 by J.W. Richmond

Big decisions make me restless.

I don’t have clarity. No surprise that He isn’t clear with me.
I don’t have peace. No surprise there either.

But I’m not totally unclear
       or not at peace.
It’s not a discernment problem
       or a check in my intuition.

I’m just not sure.

But Jeff is. He has clarity.

I don’t know why he gets the clarity and I don’t. I don’t know why he has complete peace and I don’t.

I have faith that He has a plan, but I don’t know that plan, and I don’t want to make a bad decision. My tendency in those situations is to not make one at all – because I need more information to know for sure.

I just want the answer to be obvious.
I might need to be kicked in the head to know for sure
                      see the river part in front of me
                      see a bush burn but not catch on fire.

Jeff just has faith that it will work out.

Usually when we make decisions, we make them as a team.
We think about it
      pray about it
      decide together.

I think this is one of those times that we aren’t entirely in sync – but it’s not actually a bad thing.

I need to let him lead.

I need to defer to him and believe that, based on everything we know, we are making a good decision.

Sometimes I have trouble with the faith thing, so I need to rely on Jeff’s.

I need to let go and trust him.
And Him.

Check

Posted on November 17 2011 by J.W. Richmond

I have studied
         researched
         experienced enough
                               that I have to believe in God.

There is no other explanation.

And I can extrapolate that into believing many other things about Him.

He is supernatural. What He does doesn’t always make sense according to our world, or according to our science.

He is omnipresent. He is everywhere because He is supernatural – and involved.

He is bigger than science and He doesn’t follow all of the rules and guidelines we have come up with.

He clearly doesn’t follow our time.
          Or any time.

A day for us is a thousand years for Him (2 Peter 3:8), which explains a lot about why He doesn’t always answer all our prayers with a yes or a no. Or heal people. Or help them. Or sometimes bother to do anything. Maybe some of our lifetimes aren’t long enough to know anything He does.

He exists (Genesis 1:1).
Check.

He is involved (Mark 1:17, etc.)
Check.

He sent His Son to earth to die for all the horrible things people do (John 3:16).
Check.

For all the horrible things I do.
Check.

And have done.
Check. (I think.)

He loves His creation (Genesis 1:31).
Check.

He loves me?

I’m not so sure about that one.

I know the cute little songs. I have read and know the Bible verses. I know and believe that the Bible is truth.

I know what I am supposed to say
          what I am supposed to think
          what I am supposed to believe.

It’s counter to my norm, but I don’t know how to entirely believe – this – without also feeling it.

Somehow.

I know I cannot rely on my feelings.

But I need to feel it.
          So I can fully believe it.

Move

Posted on November 15 2011 by J.W. Richmond

Most people feel something first.
That feeling might cause them to believe something.
Then action follows that belief.

Maybe.

They might hear
             or read
                 about a child who was involved in human trafficking.
They are heartbroken by the story.
And they are moved to do something about it.

Or.

They believe something first.
Then that belief causes them to feel it.
And then they do something about it.

Maybe.

They believe human trafficking is wrong. Then they hear or read about a child who was freed from it, so they are moved to do something about it. Possibly donate money or time to help the people involved in that particular cause.

I don't generally think either way.

I believe certain things to be true.
But I don’t necessarily feel them.
The belief part is so much stronger.

I believe.
I can’t not.
So I have to force myself to do something – anything.

Sometimes.

Whether I feel like it or not.
Whether I actually want to or not.

Usually not.

Most people would at least feel good – or better – that they did something anyway.

That incentive of feeling good would be really nice.

But when I do something because I believe I need to,
                           I do it because I have to
                                    because I need to.

Even though I long to feel it too.
And don’t.

Noticed

Posted on November 12 2011 by J.W. Richmond

She felt neglected and stumbled across someone else. Someone who noticed her. Brushed her hair out of her face and wiped her tears. She eventually came back and wanted to make it work. He tried to forgive her, but couldn’t. And then he found someone else and another someone else.

He met girls at work. They were fun and they liked him. They never asked for more from him. They didn’t need anything from him. They didn’t need his money or his help with the house or the car or the kids. They each only lasted a night. Or a couple hours. She found out and was done with him. She was worth more than that. And so were their kids.

She was enamored. They had something in common. Not like her husband, who had his own life and his own interests. She never meant for it to go beyond that. But she couldn’t help herself. He was busy. Always busy.

He just lost interest. His magazines and his computer vied for his attention. The images made him sweat and made his mouth water. The other girls he was with were just supplemental. She tried. But she couldn’t be exciting enough for him anymore.

Kids were all she thought about. Sex wasn’t sex anymore. It was about ovulation. Certain hours of certain days. No more spontaneity, no more fun, not even love. It was methodical. He wanted to have kids. But she was consumed. He changed his focus to his work and was caught off guard by someone else who looked up to him and made him feel alive again. Made him feel like a man again.

Till death parts us.

Sometimes.

 

Two of the couples are still trying. For now.

Rain

Posted on November 11 2011 by J.W. Richmond

I didn’t always like the rain.

I used to love the sun.

The sun was one of the biggest reasons I ended up at Sonoma State instead of Humboldt, my eventual top two schools.

I checked out many Campuses: UC Irvine for criminology, UCLA for film. Considered a hundred other schools.

I wasn’t even sure I wanted to go to college, so I started at a JC first: Shasta College, because I made a deal with my parents that I would go – somewhere, anywhere.

I ended up loving Shasta so much that I would have stayed if it had been a four-year school.

Sometimes things change.

I didn’t always like meat – at least red meat. Or purple. Or hiking. Or rollercoasters.

I used to like DC Talk and Savage Garden.

I used to like Saved by the Bell.* (Okay, I still do.)

I still don’t like lasagna. Or chocolate.

After Shasta, I tried out Simpson, because it was a four-year school in Redding. Simpson was clearly not the right place for me. Or I wasn’t the right person for it. I left after two days, took the rest of the semester off and transferred to Sonoma.

I love the rain now.

Maybe because it is so rare in Fresno. If I lived in Humboldt, maybe I would hate it and wouldn’t appreciate it.

But now I enjoy it. A lot.

Jeff and I met at Sonoma. He wasn’t at Humboldt. Or Simpson. Or UCLA. Or Irvine.

I don’t think it was a coincidence.

 

*Saved by the Bell ©1989-1993

Rocks

Posted on November 5 2011 by J.W. Richmond

          A.k.a. Crap I have learned from.

This is my advice to my single girl friends.

Get rid of the guy if
Dump him if
Tell him to get lost
                kick rocks if:

  • He won't call you his girlfriend, but he’s fine with hooking up.

He needs time. He isn't ready. Whatever his excuse is, it’s fine. Let him take his time. He can wait. But he can wait without you.

  • He lies.

You don't know where he is. Ever. He won't call and he always has some excuse. You catch him in his inconsistencies. What else is he lying about that you haven’t found out about – yet?

  • He lies again.

He told you he would be at home, and you just happen to drive up to a stop sign and he’s in the car next to you, with another girl. He tells you he has a brain tumor so you'll feel sorry for him. How many lies does he have to tell?

  • He has a girlfriend.

He says he’s going to leave her. He will, right? Maybe. But if he is willing to cheat on her, why wouldn't he cheat on you? Because he loves you? Did he tell her he loved her too? People generally continue in their patterns. They generally repeat their behavior. Do you really want to start a relationship on something that shaky? Wondering if he will someday do to you what he did for you this time?

  • He does drugs or abuses any other substance.

Whatever it is, it's probably worth more to him than you are. Can people change? Yes. Do you want to be the one he changes for? Be careful with your answer. If you say no, you need to walk away. If you say yes, that is a huge responsibility that you are choosing to carry throughout your entire relationship. If he doesn't change, you are placing that on yourself. But his sobriety is not your responsibility. Now or 20 years from now.

  • He says he can picture himself with a girl like you, but he doesn't say with you.

He could be a friend of yours who has never taken notice of you before. Or he could be a guy you barely know, someone you have seen in class, at Starbucks or at the office, and maybe flirted with a little. Either way, he is stereotyping you and it is all about his type, not about you. Maybe he's too shy to come out and say, but most likely, he's selfish, delusional, needy or high.

  • He says you can sleep together. Just sleep.

That might work – the first time. Maybe even the second. But it won't last. His hands are not using his brain, which means his hands will not follow his words.

  • He expects something in return for dinner
                                                   flowers
                                                   I love you.

If he expects something from his gifts, then nothing he does for you or says to you is about you. It is about him and what he can get from you. Don't give it to him. He doesn't deserve it and he won't be thankful for it. And guaranteed, if he bothers to stick around, he will expect it again.

 

If you have fallen for any of these things, don’t beat yourself up over it. Almost every girl has given in to at least one.

I know these things because I have been there to some extent, for all of them. I’ve made those mistakes – so you don’t have to.

Can’t a guy make mistakes? Absolutely. But beware of the patterns his mistakes form.

You don't have to fall for his crap. Again.

 

It is not my intention to speak for every person and every situation. What about those who are married to one of these guys? What about those who cannot force themselves to leave because they are too deeply involved? What about [fill in the blank]? There are many other chapters to this post. I do not claim to know everyone in every circumstance. This is just a small collection of things I have learned from my own life and my own choices. If you would like to express something different, I am open to learning more about you and your situation.