Fighting

Posted on September 21 2012 by J.W. Richmond

“I’m not happy,”
     her husband said,
          and he started dropping d-bombs:
                                           divorce.
They had their tenth anniversary this year too
     but they did not enjoy theirs.

His bombs hit her
                   right
     where they were supposed to.

It was a movie,
         someone else’s life, right?
    Everything was so surreal
                           happening
                                      in front of her,
                      but it couldn’t be
                           happening
                                       to her.

She still loved him.
And they had made a promise:
          better
          worse
          rich
          poor
          sickness
          health
          forever.
    Why would he do this?

He blindsided her.
She hadn’t seen it coming.
          Had he stopped loving her?
          Was she just supposed to accept that?
          Should she just give up?

                    Not a chance.

She would not go down passively.
She would fight
          for him
          for their marriage
          for their family.

Whatever it was he was unhappy about,
     he would not bulldoze her
               into letting go.
She knew there was a chance
     she may lose anyway,
          but she was going to do
                    everything
                    she
                    could
           white-knuckled and all
                    to help them
                          be them
                              again.

And maybe
     if he saw how hard
               she was fighting,
        he would realize
               she was worth fighting for too.

And

Posted on September 14 2012 by J.W. Richmond

Why does my time with God have to be
                                                    segregated
                        into reading the Bible
                        or attending a church service?
Isn’t there some way
      to spend actual,
                  real
                     time with Him
                         while still completing the things
                                     I need to finish
                                           every day
                                                    week
                                                    month?

Is there a way to do
               both
     and not have them be              separate
               from each other?

I don’t make it to church every week
      or read my Bible every day.
No matter how hard I try to make it happen,
       I fail
            again
            and
            again.

I know, I can pray
                    anytime.
     But I usually feel like
          I am completely          switching gears
                                                 or
              changing course
                             when I pray,
                                   like it can’t just be
                                                   part
                                    of what I’m already doing.

I do pray.
     A lot.
But most of my prayers are probably selfish, in some way.
     I ask for things
                circumstances
                experiences
                      to change
                         for me
                              or
                         my family
                              or
                         my friends
                              or
                         my…whatever.

Praying for His will or plan
     seems crazy sometimes
                    because
                         I don’t want to go to Africa
                              (or live here forever).
          It also means
               people suffer
                        grieve
                        or even die
                            because
                               I am not in control.

But do I think I could possibly have a bigger plan
          than He does?
Can I see a bigger picture
          than He can?
Does my logic make more sense than His?
                   Really?

So He should have a solution to all this, right?
Can’t He just let me know what it is already?

Because I need answers.
       I need a way
                  to abide
                     rest
                     remain (John 15:4)
                     in Him and…

And?
Should there be an and?

     But there’s always an and, isn’t there?

     And spend quality time with Jeff.
     And connect with family
                              friends
                              neighbors.
     And cultivate new friendships.
     And fulfill my responsibilities at work.
     And clean the house.
     And exercise.
     And eat healthy.

     And
     the
     list
     goes
     on.

Could He possibly multiply time
         in some imperceptible way
               like the fish and loaves (Mark 8:19-20)?
                    (And what about the people
                        who are allergic to fish
                                                or bread?)
         He’s bigger than all of that, right?
                                All of the insane,
                                             minuscule
                                             details…

How do I not neglect
     all the other aspects of my life
          that I need to keep on top of?
How do I not
              compartmentalize
                                   my life
                                        and keep Him as the
                                                    center
                                         of everything I am?

How do I lean on Him
              be with Him
              abide in Him
                         completely?

Confide(d)

Posted on September 8 2012 by J.W. Richmond

I don't think I could ever be
     a counselor.

I know the unidentified
                  "they"
            say people learn
                  to compartmentalize
                      keep their work
                                 at work
                                       and return to it
                                                      later.

But I don’t know how to shut those emotions
                              off.

Growing up, I tended to be someone
          people confided in.

I never asked for it;
     I was just available
             and listened,
                so people
                     told me their
                                       insurmountable
                                                            stuff.

But I never could figure out
     how to shut it off
               move on from it
          and not have their stuff
                           seep
                           into
                           me.

Everything
          affected
          (affects) me.

When a friend confides in me now,
     or I find out about something
               deep in their life,
                         I still carry it
                                live it
                                feel it.

I don’t know how
               not to.
I can’t just shut my feelings off.
I can’t just force myself
               not to feel them.

Ago

Posted on September 6 2012 by J.W. Richmond

Looking over
   what I have written,
           it’s so great to know
                         I am past those things
                         I have grown
                         I have improved.

I look back a year ago,
           and I was
                   am
                   still
                       just me.

As much growth
         as I perceive
              feel
              think
                    is there,
          I read over what has passed,
                    and
           I’m not sure anything
                 has actually
                     changed.

Maybe I just wish I could
                           would
                           did.

But the benchmarks
          moments
          changes
             seem

                    b
                        l
                u
                          r
                     r
                                  y

                           now
                              and I question
                                         what has actually
                                              changed –
                                           or if
                                                anything has.

Am I questioning
                    because I am insecure
                              (about the inaccurate,
                                            unquantifiable results)?
                 Or because
                           that change
                                     never really
                                          happened?

Held

Posted on August 30 2012 by J.W. Richmond

‘She lets me hold her
She lets me know her
And she lets me come apart’
– “Simple Grace,”
   The Ruse

I’m not sure I’m so great at this
          with Jeff.

Am I there for him no matter what?
     Of course.

He can be together
          come apart
          relax
          freak out
          whatever.
   I'll be there.

I’m not always good at letting him
          hold me
          be there for me
          care for me,
     and I guess in a sense, also letting him
          know me.

He does – more than anyone.

But he could know me
                more,
         and (I think)
            I could even love him
                 more
                    if I let him
                              be there
                              care for me
                              and allow myself to just be
                                            held.

Cockroaches

Posted on August 25 2012 by J.W. Richmond

Jeff said recently that I am
         “relaxed-deficient.”

I wasn’t sure
     whether I should laugh
                         or agree;
          I think I did both – along with a crooked face
                                                        of frustration,
                                                             because I don’t know
                                                                what to do about it.

I may not be a super Achiever*
     but I still always have a list going
          of a billion things I have to do,
                    and I have this fear
                              that I will never actually
                                                    accomplish
                                                    anything
                                               because that list
                                                     of
                                                     insanity
                                                  is always
                                   l       o       n       g       e       r
                                                     than I can manage.

It seems like
     other people are able to
               check things
                   off their list
                   and it gets
                   smaller.
     Sure, they add things
          here and there,
               but they actually make
                              progress.

My list just
     increases.
I check things off,
          but I just can’t seem to handle what’s already there.
I get overwhelmed
     and try to tackle it,
          but I can’t find the hours in the day
                    to do it all,
                         or at least
                               enough of it to make a difference.
               My energy betrays me
                       and so does the caffeine.

Options seem to actively                run                     away
               from my presence,
                         like cockroaches
                                    when they see light.

I can’t turn the list off
          or the need for the list
          or make actual progress.
     So how, exactly,
                    am I supposed to relax?

 

*Your Unique Design: Originally Developed by Taibi Kahler; Adapted by Dr. Bob Maris and Dr. Jerry Richardson. Achiever: logical, organized, responsible.

Dinosaur

Posted on August 24 2012 by J.W. Richmond

Maybe I am a dinosaur.
     Lyrics to songs
          weren’t always available
                                instantly
                                       from Google
                                          or Soundhound.

Many of my CDs and cassette tapes – yeah, yeah, dinosaur –
          came without printed lyrics.
     But I heard enough to know
            I identified with them,
                 so I had to know what the exact words were.

I would play a song over
                      and over
          listening intently
                   to every.
                      single.
                      word.
     Even then, they weren’t always clear,
          so I would put headphones on
                         play the song
                         write a few words down
                         rewind
                         write a few more
                         rewind
                         edit
                  then listen to it all together
                                 to make sure what I wrote
                                    made sense.

I remember sitting in the dark
          lying on my bed
                    or on the roof outside my window
          staring at the ceiling
                    or the stars
              and listening
                  until I essentially had the song memorized.

I felt like I was back in the land of Fred and Dino* last night.
     At least the songs were digital;
     I didn’t have to stop the tape
                                 and rewind.
     But the lyrics still weren’t on the internet.
               This is 2012.
               Seriously?

Okay, okay,
     I guess it was a little fun
           sitting in the dark
                 with only the computer screen to light the room
           listening to songs I enjoy
                          that have something to say
           letting them soak in
                while I tried to make sure
                     I could accurately write down
                                      every word,
                            so I wouldn’t get anything wrong.

Maybe it’s superfluous
               wasteful.
           But I was engaged
                        interested
                        provoked to something
                               as I listened
                               and paid attention to the exact words
                                         that were inundating me.

And now I actually know those words that have been
                    subconsciously
                         entering my brain,
                              which (I think)
                                   is essential.

 

*The Flinstones ©1960-1966

Cursor

Posted on August 18 2012 by J.W. Richmond

Everything goes white
     except for the

                    b  l  i  n  k  i  n  g

                                   cursor
                           on the empty page.

I would strangle it if I could.

Maybe
     I could squeeze a few words
               out of it.

Potential

Posted on August 17 2012 by J.W. Richmond

Apparently
     I have potential
                    to do more
                       be more.

Who knew?

I have wondered, sure.
But I have also
          questioned
               if my view was inaccurate
                                     untrue.

Could I do
          be more
                 without my current responsibilities?
Maybe.
(I think so.)

Even though I’m striving
     to learn
       study
       grow,
           there are times
                     I feel like I’m faking it
                          because I don’t actually know everything yet.
                   
But I have been asked
     to contribute more;
                 someone else believes
                      I am capable of doing that.
           Maybe
                they see something
                      I don’t.

So some of my responsibilities
                    have been                shifted.

And here we go.

If I fail…
     well, I don’t handle failure very well,
               so it’s not an option.
               "There is no spoon."*

 

*The Matrix ©1999

Informed*

Posted on August 11 2012 by J.W. Richmond

The chair was uncomfortable, severe, and not what she expected it to be. Not that she knew what to expect, exactly.

She probably should have assumed the chairs would be stiff, upright and rigid, like lawyers generally were. But shouldn’t divorce attorneys try to make you feel calm and safe, like you could trust them?

Maybe it wasn’t this office; maybe it was just her. She didn't know what to expect from anything anymore.

She had thought he was the love of her life. They loved the same foods and the same music, they had an almost identical DVD collection, they had fun together, they had great chemistry, and he made an effort to play with her son and help him with his homework. She was pretty sure that had attracted her to him more than anything else.

But things changed after they got married. He became very distant. He worked all the time, and he didn’t get her, didn’t understand her, and didn’t seem to care. He always cut her off when she talked; clearly, what she had to say was unimportant to him. He always had to have the last word, always had to be right, and never apologized for anything he said or did. When he yelled at her, she would find herself yelling back, just trying to be heard. But he never heard her.

His words were sharp, and they kept sinking in further, making her question everything about herself. She had always been confident, assured, and now, she wasn’t even sure where to find her feet.

He just wasn’t him anymore, and definitely not who she thought she married. And she felt like she couldn’t be her normal, cheerful, upbeat self – like he had stripped her of that.

He didn’t yell at her son the way he yelled at her. He provided for him, and was willing to take on some sort of fatherly role – when he was around, at least. Mostly, he just ignored the boy. It seemed like he had tried, for a while, but it turned out they didn’t really have all that much in common. There wasn’t a real connection between them, and the boy needed a father.

She fidgeted in her chair while she waited for her appointment, and weighed the pro-con list in her head as she stared at the wall and re-crossed her legs the other direction.

She wasn’t even planning to do anything. Not yet, at least. She just thought she should explore her options, just in case, so she could do what was best for her. And her son.

Money would be tight, but she and the boy had survived alone before, and they could do it again. She wasn’t excited about getting back into the dating world, especially since she would also have to look for a father for her son. She had thought she had found that man, that they would be together forever. But she wasn’t happy, and she wasn’t even sure he loved her anymore.

Maybe there was someone else out there who would do everything he could to make her and her son happy. Maybe she should just start over and cut her losses.

At least after the appointment, she would know what her options were, and once she had all the information in front of her, she could make an informed decision.

 

*Fiction