Sometimes I feel like
I just need to get
out of the way
of my thoughts.
But where am I supposed to go?
Fighting
“I’m not happy,”
her husband said,
and he started dropping d-bombs:
divorce.
They had their tenth anniversary this year too
but they did not enjoy theirs.
His bombs hit her
right
where they were supposed to.
It was a movie,
someone else’s life, right?
Everything was so surreal
happening
in front of her,
but it couldn’t be
happening
to her.
She still loved him.
And they had made a promise:
better
worse
rich
poor
sickness
health
forever.
Why would he do this?
He blindsided her.
She hadn’t seen it coming.
Had he stopped loving her?
Was she just supposed to accept that?
Should she just give up?
Not a chance.
She would not go down passively.
She would fight
for him
for their marriage
for their family.
Whatever it was he was unhappy about,
he would not bulldoze her
into letting go.
She knew there was a chance
she may lose anyway,
but she was going to do
everything
she
could
white-knuckled and all
to help them
be them
again.
And maybe
if he saw how hard
she was fighting,
he would realize
she was worth fighting for too.
And
Why does my time with God have to be
segregated
into reading the Bible
or attending a church service?
Isn’t there some way
to spend actual,
real
time with Him
while still completing the things
I need to finish
every day
week
month?
Is there a way to do
both
and not have them be separate
from each other?
I don’t make it to church every week
or read my Bible every day.
No matter how hard I try to make it happen,
I fail
again
and
again.
I know, I can pray
anytime.
But I usually feel like
I am completely switching gears
or
changing course
when I pray,
like it can’t just be
part
of what I’m already doing.
I do pray.
A lot.
But most of my prayers are probably selfish, in some way.
I ask for things
circumstances
experiences
to change
for me
or
my family
or
my friends
or
my…whatever.
Praying for His will or plan
seems crazy sometimes
because
I don’t want to go to Africa
(or live here forever).
It also means
people suffer
grieve
or even die
because
I am not in control.
But do I think I could possibly have a bigger plan
than He does?
Can I see a bigger picture
than He can?
Does my logic make more sense than His?
Really?
So He should have a solution to all this, right?
Can’t He just let me know what it is already?
Because I need answers.
I need a way
to abide
rest
remain (John 15:4)
in Him and…
And?
Should there be an and?
But there’s always an and, isn’t there?
And spend quality time with Jeff.
And connect with family
friends
neighbors.
And cultivate new friendships.
And fulfill my responsibilities at work.
And clean the house.
And exercise.
And eat healthy.
And
the
list
goes
on.
Could He possibly multiply time
in some imperceptible way
like the fish and loaves (Mark 8:19-20)?
(And what about the people
who are allergic to fish
or bread?)
He’s bigger than all of that, right?
All of the insane,
minuscule
details…
How do I not neglect
all the other aspects of my life
that I need to keep on top of?
How do I not
compartmentalize
my life
and keep Him as the
center
of everything I am?
How do I lean on Him
be with Him
abide in Him
completely?
Confide(d)
I don't think I could ever be
a counselor.
I know the unidentified
"they"
say people learn
to compartmentalize
keep their work
at work
and return to it
later.
But I don’t know how to shut those emotions
off.
Growing up, I tended to be someone
people confided in.
I never asked for it;
I was just available
and listened,
so people
told me their
insurmountable
stuff.
But I never could figure out
how to shut it off
move on from it
and not have their stuff
seep
into
me.
Everything
affected
(affects) me.
When a friend confides in me now,
or I find out about something
deep in their life,
I still carry it
live it
feel it.
I don’t know how
not to.
I can’t just shut my feelings off.
I can’t just force myself
not to feel them.
Ago
Looking over
what I have written,
it’s so great to know
I am past those things
I have grown
I have improved.
I look back a year ago,
and I was
am
still
just me.
As much growth
as I perceive
feel
think
is there,
I read over what has passed,
and
I’m not sure anything
has actually
changed.
Maybe I just wish I could
would
did.
But the benchmarks
moments
changes
seem
b
l
u
r
r
y
now
and I question
what has actually
changed –
or if
anything has.
Am I questioning
because I am insecure
(about the inaccurate,
unquantifiable results)?
Or because
that change
never really
happened?
Held
‘She lets me hold her
She lets me know her
And she lets me come apart’
– “Simple Grace,”
The Ruse
I’m not sure I’m so great at this
with Jeff.
Am I there for him no matter what?
Of course.
He can be together
come apart
relax
freak out
whatever.
I'll be there.
I’m not always good at letting him
hold me
be there for me
care for me,
and I guess in a sense, also letting him
know me.
He does – more than anyone.
But he could know me
more,
and (I think)
I could even love him
more
if I let him
be there
care for me
and allow myself to just be
held.
Cockroaches
Jeff said recently that I am
“relaxed-deficient.”
I wasn’t sure
whether I should laugh
or agree;
I think I did both – along with a crooked face
of frustration,
because I don’t know
what to do about it.
I may not be a super Achiever*
but I still always have a list going
of a billion things I have to do,
and I have this fear
that I will never actually
accomplish
anything
because that list
of
insanity
is always
l o n g e r
than I can manage.
It seems like
other people are able to
check things
off their list
and it gets
smaller.
Sure, they add things
here and there,
but they actually make
progress.
My list just
increases.
I check things off,
but I just can’t seem to handle what’s already there.
I get overwhelmed
and try to tackle it,
but I can’t find the hours in the day
to do it all,
or at least
enough of it to make a difference.
My energy betrays me
and so does the caffeine.
Options seem to actively run away
from my presence,
like cockroaches
when they see light.
I can’t turn the list off
or the need for the list
or make actual progress.
So how, exactly,
am I supposed to relax?
*Your Unique Design: Originally Developed by Taibi Kahler; Adapted by Dr. Bob Maris and Dr. Jerry Richardson. Achiever: logical, organized, responsible.
Dinosaur
Maybe I am a dinosaur.
Lyrics to songs
weren’t always available
instantly
from Google
or Soundhound.
Many of my CDs and cassette tapes – yeah, yeah, dinosaur –
came without printed lyrics.
But I heard enough to know
I identified with them,
so I had to know what the exact words were.
I would play a song over
and over
listening intently
to every.
single.
word.
Even then, they weren’t always clear,
so I would put headphones on
play the song
write a few words down
rewind
write a few more
rewind
edit
then listen to it all together
to make sure what I wrote
made sense.
I remember sitting in the dark
lying on my bed
or on the roof outside my window
staring at the ceiling
or the stars
and listening
until I essentially had the song memorized.
I felt like I was back in the land of Fred and Dino* last night.
At least the songs were digital;
I didn’t have to stop the tape
and rewind.
But the lyrics still weren’t on the internet.
This is 2012.
Seriously?
Okay, okay,
I guess it was a little fun
sitting in the dark
with only the computer screen to light the room
listening to songs I enjoy
that have something to say
letting them soak in
while I tried to make sure
I could accurately write down
every word,
so I wouldn’t get anything wrong.
Maybe it’s superfluous
wasteful.
But I was engaged
interested
provoked to something
as I listened
and paid attention to the exact words
that were inundating me.
And now I actually know those words that have been
subconsciously
entering my brain,
which (I think)
is essential.
*The Flinstones ©1960-1966
Cursor
Everything goes white
except for the
b l i n k i n g
cursor
on the empty page.
I would strangle it if I could.
Maybe
I could squeeze a few words
out of it.
Potential
Apparently
I have potential
to do more
be more.
Who knew?
I have wondered, sure.
But I have also
questioned
if my view was inaccurate
untrue.
Could I do
be more
without my current responsibilities?
Maybe.
(I think so.)
Even though I’m striving
to learn
study
grow,
there are times
I feel like I’m faking it
because I don’t actually know everything yet.
But I have been asked
to contribute more;
someone else believes
I am capable of doing that.
Maybe
they see something
I don’t.
So some of my responsibilities
have been shifted.
And here we go.
If I fail…
well, I don’t handle failure very well,
so it’s not an option.
"There is no spoon."*
*The Matrix ©1999