(Re)play

Posted on January 29 2013 by J.W. Richmond

The memories resonate
                   play in my head again
                                    and again.

And they replay,
     as the emotions
                   force      their way
                                      to the surface.
     They don’t always make it through
          (I don’t think)
                   but they are still there.
                                  Right there.
                                  Close.

I also play and
       replay alternates and
                continuations and
                eventual possibilities
                       that haven't happened – yet.

                But they exist.

They aren’t real, but they could happen.
                           They could eventually occur.
                           They could be.

Maybe they are unresolved issues
     I need to figure out
               how to deal with.
Or maybe they are emotions
     that are trying to create a story
           that I might      eventually      be able to
                             discover
                    if I would or
                         could
                             acknowledge them.

Gears

Posted on January 25 2013 by J.W. Richmond

Sometimes it seems like you are spaghetti-ing
                                           swirling
                                           talking in circles
                                           reaching for a point.

But I have come to know you enough that
     (I think) that’s not actually what’s happening.

You know where you’re going.
You know why you started where you did.
You know how to get from one point to the other.

You have the dots
          clearly mapped out
               from one place
                         to
                     another.

You just also externally process as you relate everything.
You fill in the details.
You don’t say A+B=C.
You fill in the backstory
        and the surroundings
        and your feelings.
You are a storyteller.

At first
     I wasn’t sure how to receive it.
But now
     I get it.

All the stuff I don’t say,
               all the specifics,
               all the details,
               all the feelings –
     they are still there;
          I still think them.
          I still think through how to go from one dot
                            to the next.
          I just don’t say it out loud.

You let people in
          to the process
          to the inner-workings
          to the gears as they move.
And I appreciate you for it.

Become

Posted on January 19 2013 by J.W. Richmond

I spend a lot of time studying people.

I focus on a person
  read them
  and attempt to feel
       what they might feel
  try to see the world
       the way they might
  learn their mannerisms
  mimic them
  become them
           in order to understand them.

It can be exhausting
     to conjure up
          someone else’s feelings
               and I often reach my capacity for feeling
                                those emotions myself.
               The mere imagination of them
                                sucks the life
                                    out of me.

And I still can never be sure
          I’m accurate.

I can never guarantee
     understanding the person
          will improve the relationship between us
                or dissever it
                           because I’m           so far off
                                               or
                                        I got too close.

But

Posted on January 18 2013 by J.W. Richmond

I think
     in the context
          it was okay
                   useful
                   constructive.
But…
     There is always a but, right?

I
always
question
everything.

Was it really okay?
     Did I share – too much?
     Did I come apart – too much?
     Should I have even gone there?

When I put that vulnerability out there,
     sometimes usually I feel like
         I need to figure out a way to
                   pull it back
                   reign it in
                   lessen the intensity of it.

I feel that this time too.
But
   at the same time
       I also feel like
            we finally made some progress.
If I hadn’t let go a bit,
      even if it was (mostly) involuntary,
   if what I felt
      hadn’t shown on my face
                  and in my voice,
          it probably wouldn’t have been received –
              at least not in the same way.

We are so
           completely
           different
               that sometimes,
                     it’s hard to even relate.
This
same
conversation
     never went anywhere
              before.

But this time,
   I was acknowledged.
     Days later,
          what I said
                 was remembered,
                 and it mattered.

It seems like
     the emotions registered –
          to someone who is generally
                     as adverse or
                        awkward with feelings
                           as I am.

Maybe
   that means
     we aren’t as entirely opposite
             as I thought.

Essential

Posted on January 12 2013 by J.W. Richmond

I am not good
     at scheduling out time
                    for rest.

It feels inefficient
        wasteful
        extravagant even.

There are too many things that have to be done, and never enough time to accomplish them.

I wish I could find the time to do both:
     do enough
          and
     rest enough.

This time I am forced
          to rest.
     Sickness crammed it down my throat
                without my consent.

It’s needed
   necessary
   essential.

But in this context,
     it doesn’t feel very
               restful.

Edgar

Posted on December 30 2012 by J.W. Richmond

When death follows
                  haunts
                  chases after you,
     leaving no escape,
          how can you not be tortured
                by the doom of fate?

How could you just brush it off
                           discount it
                           outrun it,
                           have it be enough?
        Could you –
             even if you wanted to?

How could you not
     see it in every periphery
     hear it in each reverie
     smell it sneaking up behind you
     taste it in your sustenance
     feel its darkness
               always in your presence?

With fear and resolve,
     you refrain from reaching out
          to the shadows that surround,
               where you know
                         it waits for you
                              in every thought
                              in every doubt.

Yet what else can you do
     but seek to follow
               where it goes
     try to stay one step ahead
               hoping to understand
                       and know?

If not that,
     you must let go,
          allow yourself
                    to be nevermore,
                              succumb
                    to its impending clutches,
                         leaving fate to decide
                              the eternal score.

Ruminate

Posted on December 21 2012 by J.W. Richmond

I ruminate
  replay
  rewind, then
  repeat things
        over
        and
        over
           when my brain just      takes off
                                    on its own course,
                         imagining a what if scenario
                              and the possible outcomes
                                               of different decisions
                                                              conversations
                                                              detours.

It’s not like I can change anything – past
                                                 now
                                                 future.

Some essences of stories are there,
     but they aren’t clean
                         clear or
                         complete.

Still, my mind keeps going
                    keeps pushing
                    keeps going back
      in     different          directions,
                 as I try to figure out
                      what I’m supposed to do with
                      what’s in front of me.

I’m not even sure
     there’s anything to find,
               but that logic
                    doesn’t stop
                              calm
                          or slow down what’s in my head.

Am I looking for something
                        significant?
   Or trying to find a story
             that doesn’t exist?

(In)significant

Posted on December 15 2012 by J.W. Richmond

Behind the cover
   of irrelevance,
      truth hides itself
                in insignificance.
      It peeks through in places
           of slight transparence,
                      emotions guided
                         through every variance.
Used as pawns
   despite their design,
   regardless of fit;
             there is no line.
Screams for resolve
       echo with silent response,
    every cry
       met with nonchalance.
              The deafening silence
                   manipulates reality,
                      forcing outcomes
                      that should not be.
Players plot
   while the played give in,
        rather than fight the invisible
             they could never win.

Direction

Posted on December 14 2012 by J.W. Richmond

Two minutes
     from one person
          changed things – or at least
                          it’s starting to.

(I think)
     my words finally
                      mattered
       and I was heard
                      acknowledged.

Even if the other person doesn't remember it later
     or find the conversation
          significant,
                    it mattered
                           to me.

Maybe (hopefully)
     if when it comes up again,
          the recollection will be there
                    on the other end
               and I won’t have to start over.

I’m still not sure
          which direction to go,
               but I’m willing to
                         slow down
                         back away from the edge
                         look at different perspectives
                         widen my view
       and not just pursue
            the only one I saw.

Whether that changes
     the overall outcome,
                    I can’t say.

But options
          are now available
               and maybe
                     (maybe)
                  I can figure out
                            where to go from here.

Disconnection

Posted on November 30 2012 by J.W. Richmond

I don’t sleep when we fight.

Even when we do resolve things,
     I can’t manage to shed that feeling
          of disconnection;
                     it attaches to me like a leech.

I want to let go.
I want to move on.
I want
  need us to be okay again.

But I can’t get rid of the emotion that quickly.
With all my force,
     it still refuses
          to cooperate.

Maybe it requires
     finer emotional motor skills
                    than I am capable of.

Or maybe (I think)
     I feel things
               too deeply.