(Over)thoughts | A glimpse into the chaos.

Ruminate

Posted on December 21 2012 by J.W. Richmond

I ruminate
replay
rewind, then
repeat things
        over
        and
        over
           when my brain just      takes off
                                    on its own course,
                         imagining a what if scenario
                              and the possible outcomes
                                               of different decisions
                                                            conversations
                                                            detours.

It’s not like I can change anything – past
now
future.

Some essences of stories are there,
     but they aren’t clean
                         clear or
                         complete.

Still, my mind keeps going
                keeps pushing
              keeps going back
      in     different          directions,
                 as I try to figure out
                      what I’m supposed to do with
                      what’s in front of me.

I’m not even sure
     there’s anything to find,
               but that logic
                    doesn’t stop
                          calm
                          or slow down what’s in my head.

Am I looking for something
                        significant?
   Or trying to find a story
             that doesn’t exist?

(In)significant

Posted on December 15 2012 by J.W. Richmond

Behind the cover
   of irrelevance,
      truth hides itself
                in insignificance.
      It peeks through in places
           of slight transparence,
                      emotions guided
                         through every variance.
Used as pawns
   despite their design,
   regardless of fit;
             there is no line.
Screams for resolve
       echo with silent response,
    every cry
       met with nonchalance.
              The deafening silence
                   manipulates reality,
                      forcing outcomes
                      that should not be.
Players plot
   while the played give in,
        rather than fight the invisible
             they could never win.

Direction

Posted on December 14 2012 by J.W. Richmond

Two minutes
     from one person
          changed things – or at least
                          it’s starting to.

(I think)
     my words finally
                      mattered
       and I was heard
                      acknowledged.

Even if the other person doesn't remember it later
     or find the conversation
          significant,
    it mattered
               to me.

Maybe (hopefully)
     if when it comes up again,
          the recollection will be there
                    on the other end
               and I won’t have to start over.

I’m still not sure
          which direction to go,
               but I’m willing to
                         slow down
                         back away from the edge
                         look at different perspectives
                         widen my view
       and not just pursue
            the only one I saw.

Whether that changes
the overall outcome,
I can’t say.

But options
          are now available
               and maybe
                     (maybe)
                  I can figure out
                            where to go from here.

Disconnection

Posted on November 30 2012 by J.W. Richmond

I don’t sleep when we fight.

Even when we do resolve things,
     I can’t manage to shed that feeling
          of disconnection;
                     it attaches to me like a leech.

I want to let go.
I want to move on.
I want
need us to be okay again.

But I can’t get rid of the emotion that quickly.
With all my force,
it still refuses
to cooperate.

Maybe it requires
finer emotional motor skills
than I am capable of.

Or maybe (I think)
I feel things
too deeply.

Realist

Posted on November 21 2012 by J.W. Richmond

I’m not so good at thanking God.

It’s not that I’m not grateful
for what I have –
or don’t have.

But when something good happens,
     I don’t always attribute it to Him.
   Probably because if I did, I think
        I would also attribute
             everything bad that happens to Him,
                  because He is in charge of everything.
                             He is God, after all.
       Instead, I just do some of both.

I also tend to play out
     too many possibilities
               for what is and
                    what could happen.
     Positive outcomes are possibilities, of course,
    or else the scenarios wouldn’t be realistic.

And even though Jeff would disagree,
I am a realist. (I think.)

But realistically,
     most things in life don’t end
                         positively.
               Most good endings
                   are fictional.

Regardless of the outcomes,
     I should give thanks
          to the God
               who made those possibilities exist
                         in the first place.
     I shouldn’t need a day to remind me to be thankful.
          And I won’t bore anyone
               with my list of things –
                    partly because when other people do them,
                         it doesn’t help me
                              be any more thankful for anything, and
                    partly because those lists
                         (mostly) annoy me.

Instead, I will just remind myself
          again
     to thank God
          for what He has done and will do –
                    even though my eyes and
                                         ears and
                                         thoughts and
                                         feelings
                                           add up to reason
                                                      and
                                                  not to faith.

82

Posted on November 17 2012 by J.W. Richmond

I thought blogging would be a good catalyst
     to help me finish
          what I start to write –
     a way to wrap things up and
                  put stuff out there
                         rather than just journaling
                                        in circles.

Instead,
     I have 82 pages
          of unfinished words
               that are strung together with some semblance of meaning,
                    but none of it is good enough. (At least not yet.)
                          None of it is clear enough
           meaningful enough
                 interesting enough
                 thought out enough.

It’s (almost) as jumbled
as what’s inside my head.

And it just
keeps
increasing.

Protect

Posted on November 16 2012 by J.W. Richmond

He shuts off
down
in.

Grieving.

As pain slowly covers
                     encompasses him,
     he tries to make his world smaller
                                         manageable
                                         controllable,
          but it still screams back in his face,
                      reminding him it’s there,
                            and it can't be contained
                                          that easily.

He tries
        to limit the control
           the pain has,
               slowly
               building
               barriers
         as we work
           to break through the    obstacles   he places around him,
                      to find him –
                         be with him
                              through everything
                                        he doesn’t want us to see
                                                               know
                                                                     experience.

He tries to protect us
                        from it all
       while protecting himself
                        from feeling weak
                                     or needy.

But he isn’t either of those.
He has it backward.

We just need
him.

Revolving

Posted on November 10 2012 by J.W. Richmond

I feel like I’m just going in circles
                                   cycles
                                 laps
                         and never actually get
                                 anywhere.

I slow down
trudge through
           speed up
           run faster
      and stay right where I am.

When the only door God opens
     is a revolving one,
          I am still supposed to praise Him.
                                            Right?
                                       Thank Him.
                                            Right?
                                       Trust Him.
                                            Right?
     Even when I don’t actually end up going
                 anywhere?
     Even when I can't get out
                 and feel trapped where I am
                 and stuck where I am?

He will provide an actual way out someday.
(Right?)

Humbling

Posted on November 3 2012 by J.W. Richmond

Am I a moral person?

In most areas,
     for the most part,
               mostly, I am.
                         (I think.)

But is that like someone thinking they are humble (2 Chronicles 7:14)?
Maybe once you think you are,
it negates the actuality of it.

Do I mostly do the right thing?
Do I act rightly?
Do justly?
Walk humbly with my God (Micah 6:8)?

I would like to think so.

That’s definitely what I try to do
and live like
and be like.

But what would my friends say?
Or my husband say?

What would God say?

Is being mostly good okay (Psalm 32:2)?
Is that enough (1 John 1:8)?

Because sin isn’t just doing something
               completely
                         wrong.
It’s doing
          any other variation
               of what is
                         entirely right (1 John 5:17a).

I’m clearly not perfect, and I don’t ever expect to be.
But that’s obvious.
What’s a little bit less clear (I think)
is that, based on that definition,
I’m not as moral as I think I am.

And that
is very
humbling.