Spots

Posted on June 29 2013 by J.W. Richmond

It’s hard to be creative
     in the blinding sun.
I can’t see the words
                   pictures
                   letters
                   thoughts
                       through the
                             bright intensity.

I try to look away
     and only
               spots
                     are left.

I have no idea
     what I was looking at
                  or trying to see
              because thanks to the desert sun,
                          I can’t see
                                   anything
                                   at
                                   all.

Step

Posted on June 22 2013 by J.W. Richmond

There is a deep connection
             beneath
                 the disconnect,
     yet we hardly even know
          who they are.
We can’t be a part
  of their days
            weeks
         or years, really.

Everything
     is lost
          from this far
       and overcoming              the distance
                  seems
                     impossible.

We step in
      step out
   as our lives blur by
          and we miss
             out on theirs
                    entirely.

Should(n’t)

Posted on June 15 2013 by J.W. Richmond

I don’t always know
   where the line is –
       when I should shut up
               so I don’t
                   cause any additional trouble or
                   hurt someone unnecessarily
                           and
        when I should speak up
                so I don’t
                   suddenly blow up later.

There are many times
   I am thankful
      that I didn’t say
      what I wanted to say
         at the time
      I wanted to say it.
                But.
There are also many times
   I never meant
      to get so mad
         about something
            that shouldn’t
               be such a big deal,
            and wouldn’t
               have been,
                      if
                  I had just spoken up
                     earlier.

How do I know the difference
         between
         the
         two
     in the moment?
Before it’s
   too late
        to say something
          or
   too late
        to take it back?

Fool

Posted on June 11 2013 by J.W. Richmond

I’m not sure
     how my words actually came across.

I never asked.

It seems too late
               now.

I just keep wondering
     if I made a fool
          of myself,
     if I brave-ishly put myself out there
          but everyone
               still just thinks
                         I’m an idiot.

I don’t need the recognition.
                    (I don’t think.)

I can take the truth.
                    (I think.)

But the silence
           penetrates
           resounds
           tells me how much of a failure
                I really am.

I’d rather
     just be told the truth and
             know it
                instead of having to
             infer it.

(Chroni)logical

Posted on June 7 2013 by J.W. Richmond

I don’t
     always write
            or share
                  as things happen.

I tend to
            p  r  o  c  e  s  s
     so it’s not always
           (chroni)logical,
     and the
          senses
     or the
          sense
              may get
                                lost
                                        somewhere.

Sometimes it’s me
      trying to make
          sense
              of the
                t
            a
              n
                    g
                 l
              e
                       d
                  thoughts
                        I can’t
                             unwind.

I can’t always
  unscramble
  everything
     or fully
  track myself –
        which may make me
            more screwed up
                    than they even have a name for,
                although if they have a name,
                       I’m not sure
                       I’m ready to know it
                              yet.

But it’s real
          true
    and probably more
          raw
     than I actually want to share.

So I’m still trying
         still learning
         still growing.
               (I think.)

And
     maybe
        somehow
        someone
            can glean
        something
                from my mess.
     Maybe even me.

Intentions

Posted on May 31 2013 by J.W. Richmond

Intentions
Intentions

Time passes   ticks         rushes by
          and it’s
    another day I didn’t spend
               with you.

I meant to
  intended to
  wanted to.
I thought of you
  a few times
  a few seconds
     before I got distracted
         by something.

Inklings of you
  brushed by
     again later,
        but I had other things
              to finish
                 accomplish
                 check off.
      Each moment
        pulled me aside and
                 took me away
                                from you.

I didn’t hold on
  to my intentions
        through the       speeding    hours
     and I dropped them
             along
             the
             way
                  somewhere.

I went back for them,
  but they weren’t there.
And then I noticed
        you were gone
    and I’m not even sure
        how long ago you left.

I wanted time with you today.
You waited for me
  until I
        unintentionally
             changed my mind.

I don’t even know
  when I made the choice.

But I will do better
     tomorrow.
  I mean it.
  (I think.)

Ends

Posted on May 24 2013 by J.W. Richmond

Anticipation brings
          adrenalin and
          excitement
                   to some people.

It just gives me
          nausea.

I get so
          worked up about
                    the possibility
                    the maybe
                         and my stomach
                                   knots around
                                       itself.

This time plans changed.
     It's unclear if it is over
                            postponed
                            dropped.

I will eventually
       likely
       probably
             end up doing it later,
          which is way worse
             than just doing it now
                    and having it be
                               done.

Or my chance could
                   fall
          through entirely,
              and I would be left
                                    trapped
                                        with the
                                            unspoken words.

I need to grab the ends
            tie them together and
            burn them
                      so this will all just be
                                    finished.

Because if the words remain
          unsaid,
     (I think) the ends
          will just start to fray
                      again.

Legend

Posted on May 17 2013 by J.W. Richmond

I don’t know
   how to put myself
          in her place.

How
Are
What
Wh…
I don’t even know
          where to
                  start.

My mind actively
             forcibly
                 stops
         itself from entering
            into the basic realm
                  and
         just the thought of it
            makes me
                  stop
            breathing.

Yet I can't
                 stop
       thinking about her
                     and him
                     and her
                         without
                           him.

 

Dan Houghton, 1974-2013.

Autonomic

Posted on May 15 2013 by J.W. Richmond

I couldn’t stop
     shaking,
  could not force myself
        to
         calm
          down.

I was trembling
               B  I   G
         freaking out,
         sweating,
         mouth dry,
         clenching my fists
                   hard
             into themselves.

Even though I had time
          to prepare,
     my automatic
         autonomic nervous system
                was beyond
                        nervous.

I am thankful
      I was able to make notes
                beforehand,
          so maybe I’m just glad
                        I’m a nerd.

I thought I might throw up
                     or black out, and
        I felt like  
            my voice
                    was     s
                                   h
                                  a
                              k
                                   y,
            but I spoke up
                          anyway.

I hate
   that I can’t just speak
          like an actual person sometimes,
   but I do appreciate
      being given the chance
           to voice my ideas –
                     at least when they are good
                                    (I think).

Mostly, I am just

        relieved

               that it is finally
                           over.

Set

Posted on May 10 2013 by J.W. Richmond

It’s not finished,
  but it’s
      done.
Not done
           as in
              complete,
  but done
           as in
              set in motion.
It’s ready.

Ready for the details
  to be refined
         shaped
         cleaned up
           then
         shared.
         (I think.)

It’s close
  and getting
    closer.