(Over)thoughts | A glimpse into the chaos.

Sphere

Posted on September 13 2014 by J.W. Richmond

Moonlit

I can’t grab the waves
when they come
or shove them from me
when I wish I could
will them away.

I’m in a constant push
pull
of understanding
and
daily being.

Through evenings
mornings
long days
and
nighttime
I poke at meaning
and
purpose,
hoping some little bit
might bleed out
so I can finally grab it
and holdtightlytoit,
as it all comes together
into the perfect
sphere
that has been waiting
ready
for all my broken little pieces
to fall
into
shape.

Burst

Posted on September 4 2014 by J.W. Richmond

Whatever I may expect,
she always exceeds
my expectations.

She is filter-less
seems almost
fearless
even when she’s not,
sweetly inappropriate
in the most appropriate ways,
and I just love
any interaction with her.

We are so incredibly different
and so freaky alike sometimes.
We share similar insecurities
and we have become
each other’s touchstones.

We share likes
dislikes
values
friends
humor
facial expressions
and
birthdays.
We are kindred.

I burst
louder
bigger
larger
because when it comes to her,
I just can’t help myself.

I run on caffeine
and she runs on batteries.

She often says
what I am thinking
but don’t say out loud,
and strongly feels
what I can’t figure out
how to express.

Her skin jumps
   and crawls
when mine does
and she seems
to let me closer to her
than others at times
because she knows
she is/we are
safe there.
Our bubbles will still remain
our
own
as much as they may softly
i
n
t
  e
r
t
w
  i
n
  e
with each other
while we both
slowly
let others in –
within the time we need
to allow ourselves
to open up
in a completely different way.

There may also
be the occasional time
she gets waytooclose,
leaving no bubble –
like when she
flat out punches
me
in
the
face
with her excitement
and her flailing fist –
but at least
it is rare,
accidental
and no doubt
done out of love.

For Daley

Mediums

Posted on August 29 2014 by J.W. Richmond

No, not the strange
or
skin-crawling kind.

Supplies.

Colors
pencils
paints
pastels
words
charcoal that manages to get on everything
and never wash off your fingers.

I’ve mostly been using watercolors lately,
because that’s what I have
stored in the upstairs closet
in the guest room.

Jeff looked at what I was trying to create
and said
I was using the wrong medium for it.

How was I to know
there was even a right one?
Since nothing actually translates
from my brain
to the blank piece of paper –
not in the way
I see it in my head anyway.

I’ve always admired art
and the artists who create it,
who can make art
look like something real
or imaginary
or beautiful.
or inspiring.

Maybe he’s right.
He usually is.

Maybe I’ve been using
the wrong mediums.

I’m willing to learn
and branch out
and try new things.

But for this moment,
it feels good
to even attempt
to create
something,
even if
it’s not at all like
what I see
behind my eyes.

Brighter

Posted on August 23 2014 by J.W. Richmond

Plans

You are so good
at what you do
and so loved
for who you are,
that it is hard
to watch you leave.

But in a much bigger way,
I am beyond
proud of you
for reaching forward
and
letting go
for allowing yourself
to be
and
no longer pushing yourself
to be in a place you love
but isn’t quite right
now.

You have gifts
that are screaming to be used
and
your true place
has walls that are ready
to be knocked down.

While you are so beautiful here,
I know
you will soon
be even brighter.

These opportunities
possibilities
are just the start
for where you may
end up someday
and so small
compared to the plans
He has for you.

For Kim

Willowy

Posted on August 9 2014 by J.W. Richmond

Sharper

It’s all sharper
on watercolor.

Thin lines
are distinct
on the smudgy blurs.

Charcoal black
becomes crisp
on indifferent pastels.

If we could only
reach out
branchlike
willowy
to what is so close
in front of us
and be true
to what is promised,
the colors
could all break out
into one
fluid
melody
of hope
clarity
and
purpose.

12

Posted on July 27 2014 by J.W. Richmond

Anniversary 12

I’m not afraid
of jumping
of falling
or even free falling
with him.

I am looking forward to
being with my Jeff
in a new way
a new place
doing new things
together
that neither of us
have ever done before,
but we have both
always wanted to do
someday.

So here’s to new experiences
new locations
new adventures
yet the same
us,
taking chances together
and having fun
with each other.

Here’s to 12.

Bella

Posted on July 26 2014 by J.W. Richmond

Found

The biggest thing I love about Twilight –
I know,
I just outed myself as a fan of the series,
both the books and
the movies –
is that Bella finds her place in the world.

[Spoiler alert for anyone
who hasn’t bothered
to read or watch it yet.
P.S. Shame on you.]

Past the epic love story,
which it is,
and the triangle –
because apparently there always
has to be a triangle –
devotion to family,
both blood and adoptive,
adventure and exhilaration,
which is also true,
and the battles against
what is originally perceived to be evil
and against what emerges as actual evil,
there is Bella.

There’s ordinary Bella,
who has always felt out of place
and out of step,
and trips and stumbles
through her life.

<Cough, cough.>

Yeah,
I can definitely identify
with the ordinary
nobody.

In this case,
because it is a fantastical
    fictional
book and movie series,
of course she eventually
gets the guy she loves,
and
gets to be beautiful
   and strong
and immortal with him
   for forever.

But what really hits me
is that she also finds
who she was actually meant to be.
She becomes
who she was supposed to be all along.

She finds her place.

She has her love with her, yes,
but she also discovers that place
as if she is a whole,
by herself,
separate
and
conjoined with him
at the same time.

She is meant to be
with him
but she is also
meant to be
who she was designed to be
all by herself.

I long to grow
with
and
toward
my Jeff
as we grow older together
but I also want
to grow
as me,
as who He created me to be
and maybe
someday
find my place too.

Unravel

Posted on July 12 2014 by J.W. Richmond

On the Outside

Words
pictures
music notes
hide
run
scram
from me
as I release them.

Everything becomes
j
u
m
b
l
e
d
and
m
i
x
e
d
up
when I know
it was clear
just microseconds before.

But somewhere between
my brain
and
my tongue
my skin
my hands
my pencil
art supplies or
keyboard
everything
u
n
r
a
v
e
l
s
into lonely letters
parts of phrases
broken visuals
incorrect colors
seemingly random numbers
and
disjointed noise
until I can put them all back
in my head for a bit
to reestablish sense
before attempting
to let them out again.

Promises

Posted on July 4 2014 by J.W. Richmond

Genesis 9:14-15

I may not be forthcoming, but I’m not nonchalant. I realize the depth of all the stupid things I’ve done.

I can’t escape them.
I can’t pretend they never happened
or that I never did them (1 John 1:8).
I can’t step away from my depravity as if it never existed,
or in some ways, still exists (Psalm 38:18).

Although I ~~may~~ have trouble fully believing it sometimes, I have been forgiven (1 John 1:9).

Even in the cases where I’m not sure I knew what I was actually doing, I made my choices and I am responsible for them.

Whatever karma I could possibly acquire with any good things that I have done – small or big – could never overcome my wretched humanity (Romans 3:10,23). Even if reincarnation were plausible, it would still never change the past.

As much as I wish I could go back in time and alter my actions, the Bible clearly doesn’t teach that we are able to change the past (Ecclesiastes 3:15). And if I logically play that wish out, that would mean I could do things on my own and not have to rely on Him.

Yet all I have is grace (Ephesians 2:8-9, Romans 11:6).

And His words (2 Timothy 3:16a) –
words that are living,
solid truth (Hebrews 4:12),
words that push on me
even when I can’t fully accept them all,
because even though I have trouble
believing everything
actually applies to me,
as if I am somehow excluded,
despite my repentance (Luke 15:7),
His words provide forgiveness (Acts 3:19)
  hope (Psalm 62:5)
healing (Mark 2:17)
   strength (Psalm 119:28)
and
   freedom (John 8:36).

And I am still
learning how to live
in the promises He provides (Romans 8:1)
rather than
in my own understanding (Proverbs 3:5-6).

Week

Posted on June 28 2014 by J.W. Richmond

1:50:46 Indefinitely

Time rushes
beyond understanding
and there is no possible way
to capture it
or rescue it.

It has been a week
of a thousand days
a week
full of weeks
and years
all bundled into
rushed conversations
short stories
the slightest of impressions
jumbled thoughts
of words
of letters,
of small ink dots
and
neverending guesses.

And we wait.

I look up from
whatever I was doing
to have no idea
what it actually was
or what time it is
and scramble to figure out
if anything has changed
since the last text
call or
email.

Time
makes no mention
of us
and still we wait,
as hours bleedintoeachother
minutes become
both l o n g e r
and shorter
seconds stop
and skip
and speed
and t
u
m
b
l
e
yet we wait with a purpose,
as sometimes weeks are made of
sporadic small hopes
in between
the timeless waiting.