Am I moving toward God?
Away from Him?
Or am I not moving at all?
I’m not sure how to answer.
People talk about times they feel close to Him
or far from Him.
I’m lucky if I feel Him at all.
I don’t feel Him move.
I don’t feel Him guide me.
I don’t feel His comfort.
I don’t feel all warm and fuzzy with Him.
I don’t feel Him answer my prayers to know what I should do.
I mostly just feel frustrated.
I feel like one of the mannequins on the Pirates of the Caribbean ride at Disneyland – on the circular platforms as you ride by. Going around in circles, arms reaching out in front, in one door and out the other, chasing someone who never gets any closer.
(Or farther away.)
But I keep chasing.
And I keep going around in circles.
I’m not sure I’m getting closer
or moving farther away.
I’m moving. But I’m not, exactly.
I’m not close.
But I’m not sure I’m far.
There is definitely distance
that I have no idea how to measure.
I don’t think my feelings are a good measurement.
I can’t run any faster.
But I can’t stop running
trying
fighting
pursuing.
If I stop
to take a breath,
I may never be able to start running again.
And I don’t know where
or how to jump off
dive off
crawl off.
Or if I should.
But how can I ever reach Him
if I don’t keep chasing after Him?