He closed the window on the computer screen
as soon as I walked in.
I didn’t actually see anything
other than his flustering
and the flash of color change
on the monitor,
but it was very odd behavior,
and I definitely noticed that.
He seemed agitated,
guilty
and wide-eyed.
My first thought was
pornography,
but I hadn’t actually seen
anything.
I tried to come up with
other reasons
my boss would have acted that way.
Maybe he was looking for gifts,
planning a surprise vacation,
looking up an old girlfriend on Facebook,
or was just caught off guard
that someone else was in the room.
My brain
nagged
at me
that I was
searching
for something
other than the truth,
but I still had nothing I could be sure about
nothing I could prove
nothing to confront him with.
I couldn’t verify
what I thought I might have noticed.
And what would I even say?
We didn’t have that type of relationship,
professionally or personally,
where I could bring something like that up –
a female subordinate
to a male boss –
when I was only strongly guessing,
when most of what I would
or could say
was based on odd behavior,
a strong feeling
and a one-time observation.
I wanted to trust him.
He was married
with kids
and worked for a Christian organization.
I never wanted to accuse
someone who may have been
innocent,
and I knew of no other reason at that point
not to trust him.
But my brain would not,
could not
shut off
the day I walked into the office
and saw him
at his computer.
A few months later,
he was fired.
I no longer worked there,
so I was not privy
to the exact details,
but I did find out
him viewing pornography – at work –
was part of it all.
Suspicions that had gnawed
at my gut
about what I questioned
were verified.
Call it intuition
instinct
awareness.
I’m not entirely sure.
The scene had
scratched its fingernails
loudly
on my conscience.
But I was afraid of being fired
or thought crazy
or untrusting
or paranoid.
So I never entered in.
I never tried.
I never attempted the conversation.
I still don’t know
what I would have
or could have said.
It’s possible
things may have turned out
exactly the same
had I said something.
Anything.
Or not.
Who knows what could have been
if I had just started with,
“Hey…”?
Think a little porn is harmless? Here is a video from Unearthed that explains the effects of pornography and how it relates to global sex-trafficking. Viewer discretion is advised.