She said – again –
I know.
I know what you’re going to say.
What had I actually said?
What was I saying?
What was she picking up on
that I had never actually said
out loud?
And was that a good
or bad thing?
She moved in with her boyfriend and told me
she knew what I would think,
but she had made her decision
and
he was already living there
with her.
Would I
do I
still love her?
Would I still be there for her?
Of course!
I don’t think I had ever said
I would
or wouldn’t [fill-in-the-blank].
But whatever she got from me was clearly inferred
assumed.
In one sense, I am glad that I have been communicating
what I believe
and live (I hope)
about marriage
and love
and relationships.
But those small bits of conversations with her
are also so sparse
small
minute
that they feel so
incomplete.
I don’t think I have ever said – out loud to her – that I believe a live-in relationship outside of marriage isn’t the best decision.
But she got it anyway.
Have I said to her that if she chose to do [whatever] – that it would cause issues between us? Or that I would somehow break off the relationship with her if she chose something different?
No.
But maybe she heard something I didn’t say
or mean.
I can go back over
and over
what I said.
As far as wanting to convey that a particular decision wouldn’t be good for her, that came across to her – somehow.
Did I mean it to be taken so emphatically
strongly
powerfully?
Yes.
And no.
Did I mean to judge her
or for her to feel judged?
Absolutely not.
And since this entire conversation
or conversations
seemed to happen
without my actually saying anything,
how do I communicate in the future
what I really meant to say,
or need to say
in actual words?