Only 26 more years to go.
That is, if it’s a strict 40-years-in-the-wilderness thing.
I’ve already been stuck in this particular, literal desert for 14, with no relief and no real chance of leaving, so maybe it’s 26-ish. I can only hope God rounds down.
A lot.
He is here somewhere. (I think.) But He’s God, so obviously He can handle the heat. For some confounded reason, He actually created it! He just hasn’t passed on the ability to adapt to or endure it to all of His people.
Every day I try to seek after Him and be who He wants me to be, and do what He wants me to do. I just wish He would ever let me know what that was.
Others tell me trite things about rudders and ships and how you can’t move something that isn’t already moving, and blah, blah, blah, often citing inertia. But if that’s the case, they might need to go back to elementary school and read more than just the CliffsNotes version of physics, because I’m pretty sure outside forces (like God, for example) can direct and move things that are already moving, or <insert simulated shock here> completely stationary – the tiniest as well as the most enormous. Which is also inertia.
I’m praying, begging and ready to be moved. Maybe if I had a freaking purpose here, I could even endure the summers that are directly from that horrible, terrifying place of complete torment – the one many Christians don’t mention directly because it could be taken as a swear word. (Gasp!) Then again, any comparison to it might diminish its perceived severity. (Or magnify the horror of it. I’m not sure.)
So even with the gentle melody of Elvis Costello playing in my head, telling me I’ll get used to it* (while I wonder how long, exactly, is a spell?), I stand with the maybe for now. I want to believe a purpose could significantly change that ability to hold up to torture and lead to perseverance.
But perhaps I have to wait for heaven for that. I’m not certain of the over-under on it. Does that mean I have to wait even longer?
Jesus, please be with me so I can be with you, no matter where I am. I’m so grateful I can trust you, and your truth doesn’t waver like my emotions and endless overthoughts.
*Elvis Costello, “This is Hell,” Warner Bros. Records Inc., 1995.