I may not be forthcoming, but I’m not nonchalant. I realize the depth of all the stupid things I’ve done.
I can’t escape them.
I can’t pretend they never happened
or that I never did them (1 John 1:8).
I can’t step away from my depravity as if it never existed,
or in some ways, still exists (Psalm 38:18).
Although I may have trouble fully believing it sometimes, I have been forgiven (1 John 1:9).
Even in the cases where I’m not sure I knew what I was actually doing, I made my choices and I am responsible for them.
Whatever karma I could possibly acquire with any good things that I have done – small or big – could never overcome my wretched humanity (Romans 3:10,23). Even if reincarnation were plausible, it would still never change the past.
As much as I wish I could go back in time and alter my actions, the Bible clearly doesn’t teach that we are able to change the past (Ecclesiastes 3:15). And if I logically play that wish out, that would mean I could do things on my own and not have to rely on Him.
Yet all I have is grace (Ephesians 2:8-9, Romans 11:6).
And His words (2 Timothy 3:16a) –
words that are living,
solid truth (Hebrews 4:12),
words that push on me
even when I can’t fully accept them all,
because even though I have trouble
believing everything
actually applies to me,
as if I am somehow excluded,
despite my repentance (Luke 15:7),
His words provide forgiveness (Acts 3:19)
hope (Psalm 62:5)
healing (Mark 2:17)
strength (Psalm 119:28)
and
freedom (John 8:36).
And I am still
learning how to live
in the promises He provides (Romans 8:1)
rather than
in my own understanding (Proverbs 3:5-6).