I have been consistently warned
away from entertainment
wasting time
not doing something meaningful.
I think for the most part that is good advice – to not waste my life.
But.
Maybe there are also places for simplicity
enjoyment
minimalistic moments
of breathing
that don’t have to mean
anything.
Maybe I have legalistically chucked that pendulum
to the do everything significant side
and it has now flown back at me
and
smacked me in the face.
Hard.
Sometimes when I don’t force myself
to do something big
meaningful
essential
that’s when I regain
the most clarity
and can finally hear my thoughts
enough
to figure out my life (a little bit).
When I do allow myself those few times
of doing something inefficient
I tend to feel like something
shifts.
Ideas start to surface
Thoughts gain some strange lucidity.
Some things in my head
start to form actual shapes.
And although it still may be unrecognizable at this level
it is apparent
almost like I allowed the frustrating
mess of junk in my head
to figure out a starting point
and begin to work itself out
without my help
or interference.
Like dreams –
when the pieces start to put themselves together
and I don’t have to work quite so stringently
to shove them into place.
I have this tendency to push myself so hard
always
to do something that matters.
I don’t allow myself to do simple
mindless
superfluous
unproductive things.
I can’t just enjoy moments with someone
without the conversation being constructive
because that would be a waste of time.
Right?
I can't relax
for a moment
and contemplate
or just live in
a particular moment
if it doesn't have a specific purpose.
Or would I be figuring out a way to let go a bit
and set myself aside
for even a few moments
where something significant might happen
without my effort?