Us | (Over)thoughts

As long as we are a team, I think I can push through anything
and force myself to keep going.

But when Jeff and I are disjointed
     when there is something between us
     when we aren’t a team about something – anything,
                                      it’s like I lose my ability to function.

I was so independent before him.

Allowing myself to need him – in any way –
      and learning to trust
                     that he wouldn’t change his mind
                         or decide to leave at any random occasion
                                 has been a journey worthy of Edmund.*

But things inevitably get in the way. All it takes is that one tiny thing to introduce a crack in the team. If there was something slightly split in the first place, that tiny splinter could sever it entirely.

That little, practically nothing ~~expletive~~ splinter
                          can work its way into your bloodstream,
                                        travel to your heart
                                                and kill you.

I can handle it – whatever it is (I think) – as long as we are us.

But as soon as that is put into question,
              if we aren’t on the same page,
                 I lose my footing and the loud,
                                                 pounding,
                                                   fast,
                                                 impending music starts to play
                                          and my body jerks
                                                     as it slams back into the corner.

I can’t even form actual words,
much less fight
or push on to an actual cause.

The concept of team doesn’t even describe it.
It’s so much more than that.

We are intrinsically linked by a supernatural force that keeps the universe in harmony.

And when there is any sort of interruption,
                      the entire core shakes,
                      and threatens to shatter
                                      and smash everything
                                                    into tiny,
                                                          chewable
                                                              pieces.

We need to be us again before I can function in any other capacity.

Jeff is important to my basic survival – because I vowed that day that I would be with him.

Always.

It was a commitment to prioritize us
                  and never let anything else separate us –
                  which is why I have this driving need for us to be okay,
                                                             for us to be a team
                                                             for us to be linked
                                                             for us to be a partnership.

Because as much as I need to make sure I don’t lose myself in this crazy world, being us is far more important.

When we aren’t right, I can’t even breathe.

Saying I love you doesn’t – and didn’t – mean it feels good right now to say these lovey-dovey, cutesy words.

It means we are connected to each other in a way
that is bigger
than just us.