A couple chords into the song and I am right back there again…
Leaning back on the arm of that cushy chair in the large, open living room, staring at the wood ceiling of the cabin, with my headphones on. It was a cold, winter day in the mountains – crisp, but sunny.
I didn’t know what,
but something was wrong.
Something was
off.
I could add up the pieces I had, but I was missing many.
She wasn’t there. That was the biggest piece.
I wasn’t aware at the time that the song I was listening to
was filling in the pieces for me –
before I ever knew the truth.
Without knowing the meaning behind it, I listened to the song over and over, because it meant something. It was repeating something important.
Remorse.
Guilt.
Shame.
Apology.
Other pieces were revealed later. She had been with someone else, and he was married too. They had started down the road to an affair, and it had all surfaced that morning.
When I got home, I called her. We were just starting to become friends, but I still felt like I should have known – somehow.
She and her husband hadn’t been doing well for a while. She loved him, but she had also developed strong feelings for this other guy. They had crossed significant lines and she was embarrassed about what had happened, and about other people knowing.
She said she just wanted her husband to pay attention to her.
She was sorry. For all of it.
And she had never meant to find that somewhere else.
She had never meant to find someone else.
She hadn’t even realized she had been looking elsewhere.
How did everything get so out of control?
'I can only give you everything I've got…
I know fine well that what I did was wrong…
And I don't know where to look
My words just break and melt
Please just save me from this darkness'– “Make This Go On Forever,”
Snow Patrol