When I was five, I wanted to be an astronaut.
The following year, along with my class, I watched the Challenger launch on TV. Being an astronaut didn’t look so fun anymore.
In elementary school, I thought it would be great to be a ride operator at Magic Mountain. Not sure what I was thinking there. Short lines, maybe?
Then in junior high I saw The Silence of the Lambs* and I became fascinated with forensic psychology.
How cool would it be to work for the FBI or CIA and study people’s behavior and figure out the type of person who would commit a particular crime? To catch the bad guys and be the hero?
That interest in criminal psych never fully died, but I wasn’t sure what to do with it either. I didn’t want to be in law enforcement, and I didn’t want to have to live in the midst of all the horror of that world. Or dream about it every night.
When applying for scholarships my senior year of high school, I joked that I wanted to study psychology from inside the criminal mind. People would either laugh or look at me with a really confused look on their face.
I also told people that I wanted to be a bum in San Francisco.
Most people figured out pretty quickly that they could laugh at that one. I think.
The reality was I had no idea what to do with my life.
And I still don’t.
I search and pray for direction
clarity
purpose.
And only receive silence.
Although I love where I work, I kind of oopsed my way into a job. I don’t dislike it, but I don’t want to assume it’s permanent either.
I don’t have plans of leaving. “I don’t even have a pl.”**
But I wonder if there is something out there – somewhere – that is meant for me. And maybe that’s too egocentric or individualistic. But I would like to believe that God has plans for individuals too, not just groups or nations. I’ve seen it happen – for other people.
If I could be anything, I still don’t know what that would be.
But I do know I don’t want to be an astronaut. I guess that’s something.
*The Silence of the Lambs ©1991
**Phoebe Buffay, Friends ©1994-2004