Mannerisms.
Facial expressions.
Habits.
Addictions.
Medical/Emotional/Mental illnesses.
Feelings.
Reactions/Responses.
Products of nature or nurture?
Probably both.
But I hope mostly nurture. Because that means change is possible.
So many things get passed down to the next generation(s). Sometimes new stuff enters and intermingles. Mixes. Blends with the junk that is already there. Or morphs into something worse – and reproduces.
Those things were probably never meant to be – noticed. Or even acknowledged. Certainly not questioned. Examined.
And repeated
repeated
repeated.
One thing resonates for me:
Disappointment.
I wasn’t good enough
smart enough
conscientious enough
athletic enough
school-spirited enough (or at all)
family-oriented enough
human enough.
An A- didn’t measure up to an A.
I didn’t measure up.
I still pick up on that feeling
like a magnet
when I see
notice
sense
criticism,
whether it is directed toward me
or someone else.
This path didn’t have to continue.
And it didn’t.
Through many sorrys
apologies
and transformed behaviors
this course was corrected
changed
healed. (Mostly.)
I still carry some of it. I still pass little bits of it on.
Sorry, Jeff.
Even though this course has changed,
I can see some of the other lines
other ripples
other sources
see the pattern continue in other ways
see where it could lead
see where it already has.
I am so proud of the choices
changes that have been made
to go against the learned responses
to be someone
something else
to do things differently.
But I know that doesn’t change the pattern entirely. Intended or not, remnants of it still exist.
I just want to take scissors to it.
And it hurts that I can’t.