Is God there – all the time?
Biblical answer: Yes.
Do I (intellectually) believe it? Yes.
Do I really, fully believe it in my soul?
I want to.
Do we choose Him? Does He choose us?
Yes (I think).
I still can’t – totally – grasp that.
I do (mostly) believe both.
But all I can see –
all I can feel – is that I pursue Him.
I choose Him.
I run after Him – constantly.
Not the other way around.
Has He forgotten? Abandoned? Given up? Ignored? Never wanted to bother in the first place, but I chased after Him so hard that He had to give in?
Maybe I prayed the right prayer, said the right words, believed the right things and He (reluctantly) had to play by the rules – the ones He set up in the first place?
That feeling is so strong.
And – so unreliable.
But I’ve been grasping
reaching
praying
gasping for air – for Him
for so long
and getting nothing in return,
nothing – tangible – back.
I didn’t even want to believe in Him.
Agnostic felt better.
I looked for other ways
other solutions
other anythings…
for something that made more sense,
felt better,
wasn’t so religious,
so restrictive,
so limiting,
that I didn’t believe in
just because my parents did.
It needed to be my choice.
Entirely.
I read. Researched. Tried other options…
I couldn’t hold onto anything else longer than a few minutes, pages – or sentences.
All other alternatives failed because their arguments, persuasions – and logic – failed.
And even though I didn’t end up where I wanted to, where I tried to – even though I felt worse – there was only one place to go.
“Where else would I go?” – Peter (John 6:68*)
After this push-pull (was He pulling?), I had only one conclusion. There was only one thing left:
Christ.
Whether I wanted Him or not.
He was it.
*I hate the word “whom” – another story – so it’s a loose translation.