I wish I could edit stuff
things
(so many) experiences
out of my life.
Remove them and put the scenes back together like they never happened. Seamlessly.
Nothing would end up on the cutting room floor, because it wouldn’t even exist.
Take this thing I said and erase it.
Insert this
Remove – entirely – this completely stupid thing I wish I had never done.
And not have to deal with the consequences.
Not have to say I’m sorry.
Not pretend it never happened.
Not try to forget about it.
Just remove it.
Remove all of the its.
But I don’t work that way.
Dealing with some of the decisions I have made is messy. Consequences keep filtering through a sieve, and every time I think it may finally be over, another drip finds its way through.
I can say I’m sorry over and over, and mean it every time. But I still can’t fix it. I can’t go back and change it.
And I can’t (won't) just pretend. Everything always reappears somehow. In some way. Comes back – again – until I acknowledge it and work through it. I don’t need a psychology degree to figure that out.
I can’t just choose to forget. Because everything always reappears…
And it baffles me that the God who knows everything – every little (horrible, unimaginable, ugly, thoughtless) thing I have ever done – can choose to forgive me (1 John 1:9).
And forget it all (Hebrews 8:12).
Is that true? Did I read that right?
Are there contingencies?
Like asking for His forgiveness?
Is He only speaking of Israel?
Is it out of context?
(Because that can’t be true for me. Right?)